Fortune
by DomesticatedWerewolves
Summary: What if Hellsing was to be wiped off the face of the Earth for a few years? Most of its members are gone, vampires are almost reduced to their legends,and Alucard is presumed to be dead. But another oblivious heir is about to find a coffin in their cellar
1. Bloody Christmas

**Summary:** What if something happened? What if Hellsing was to be wiped off the face of the Earth for a few years? Most of its members are gone, vampires are almost reduced to their legends, and Alucard is presumed to be dead. But now, an ocean away, another oblivious heir is about to find something tucked in their cellar.

**Disclaimer**: If I owned Hellsing it'd suck like hell and Alucard would be in his pretty little leather straightjacket more often O.o (evil – _perverted_ – laughter)

**NOTES:** Hmm…let's see…there will be blood, and gore (which is just blood with gristle and bone attached), and some language, and as always the wonderful religious controversy, and maybe other bad things. But as always let's just prepare for everything other than descriptive happy time/stuff.

Kana: I don't do romance, so go somewhere else for that. Although there is an OC, give her a chance. No love, none, zero, zilch, _nein_. She's basically Integra…only not…

I don't know if this idea's been done before, but if it has then forgive me – but I hope to make it unique.

OOOOO

_**Fortune**_

_**Chapter One: Bloody Christmas**_

OOOOO

I. Don't. Like. Cars. They're big metal death traps, especially on slick winter roads. I mean, you could be driving along, and then _boom_; suddenly you're curled around a tree like a pretzel awaiting the Jaws of Life. And it was snowing, so basically it'd be one really eventful Christmas Eve if my half of the family arrived at the usual festive gathering all bloody from an unholy carnage and missing a few people ("Where's your mother?" "Still strapped to the passenger's seat…dead.")

"You alright back there, Fae?" My father looked over the driver's seat, his eyes shifting past my aunt, uncle, and a mixture of cousins to look at me in the back of the old Explorer. I shouldn't be too hard to see, since my long hair was a nice contrast between black and grey – and my dull blue eyes really didn't mask my face in the semi-darkness. My grandmother always says I look like 'one of those relatives back in Britain.'

I must have been turning a little green, given that everyone kind of edged away from me – probably afraid I would blow chunks on their bargain price holiday outfits. I hadn't been given my usual window seat in his lovely carpool, so I was beginning to feel sick. For the past forty minutes I'd been concentrating on not hacking my last few meals on the gifts in my lap.

"Yeah," I took a moment to fake a retch, just to freak out the younger cousin next to me that had been poking me with his elbow for the better half of the last hour. "I'm fine. How long until we get there?"

My comment instantly set off a round of 'are we there yet's between the younger ones. My mother answered before any more controversy could break out – when traveling with a family fit for a circus, it was best to keep things lazy and quiet until we stopped or our chance for getting in an accident shot up fifty percent.

"Another ten minutes…"

I sighed and leaned back, putting my head on the cheap cloth of the farthest seat. I was freezing since I'd caved when my mother said 'why can't you wear anything nice?' I tried to tell her I didn't want to wear anything thinner than a sweater and I'd tried to wheedle my way into wearing my favorite dark blue one, but she ended up stuffing me into some frou-frou white blouse and black skirt. I was shivering uncontrollably and my lips were about to fall off.

I didn't look good in showy clothes. My skin was a little paler than the rest of my family, and I had shoulders from some kind of bulky animal. I was a danger to myself and others wearing anything more than sneakers, and I still had the gangly teenage look even when I was toeing fifteen. My evening was going to be spent in the chair obscured behind the Christmas tree with a few thick quilts and my grandmother's old cat. And presents…

The only good part about the night would be the big 'event'. Apparently a couple _important_ family members from England (maybe the ones I supposedly look like) had passed on, and some of their things were given to my grandmother. But there was too much for 'such and old woman like' her, so for her Christmas present to us we got to pick our own gifts from the shipment. I really liked heirlooms rather than new things, since I got to learn the history behind it.

Oh yeah…my family's name; it's Hellsing. My great grandfather was Abraham van Helsing. My grandmother was one of his children, and so on and so forth. I should be grateful for such a great and proud heritage, but not only is my name fodder for teasing about the occult, but people sure like to try to get me in trouble whenever I say _Hell_sing.

OOOOO

I wrinkled my nose slightly, covering it with my sleeve. Dracula still smelled like mothballs even though it had been a good five months since I last saw him. Didn't my grandmother clean him?

Oh…not the _real _Dracula; it's the aforesaid cat. Any _real_ vampire in my grandmother's home would probably mean either my great Grandfather missed one, or I'd gotten a second-hand high. But anyway…

Dracula was _big_ with my family. Every single one of my family members was completely obsessed with the undead; I barely believed someone could drink blood without gagging, let alone digest it. If there were rumors about hopping corpses in the southeast my family was on it like white on rice. If a strange body appeared in the Midwest every single one of them _had_ to know _everything_ about it. My father came to school last year to pick me up and somehow someone found out he always carries a silver cross on his person along with a clove of garlic – I still haven't heard the end of it. It's _ridiculous_.

But even after _all_ this, I wasn't even allowed to _own_ a copy of _Dracula_ let alone _read it_. But I still did – in the seventh grade I snuck a copy from the library and became ensconced in it. I never got to read the end though; my father found out and made me take it back. Now all I had was the glory-filled tales my grandmother told; ugh.

"Fae?" A voice sounded near me. Weak, feeble sounding; my grandmother. I loved her to bits, but the poor woman would get winded by…well, wind. "Your turn."

For the past half hour my grandmother had been letting each group of siblings and parents go down into her basement, and each time they returned with even more valuable things than the last troupe. The teens were probably just going to hack the stuff on EBay. I had agreed to go last as long as I could go _alone_; I wanted to look at the stuff without bickering cousins in my ears.

I had taken off my shoes at the door, so I was able to wind my way through the crowds of people stuffed into this too-small house in no time. I couldn't wait to get downstairs and just look at what remained in _silence_. The last time I had actual peace and quiet it was two AM and I was eleven.

_You hear that, Brain?_ I thought, opening the door to the basement. The knob was made of old copper and turned reluctantly. _Silence. Remember silence? _

My heart began to pound as I looked down at the staircase. It was steep and made of even _older_ granite. The edges were jagged and looked about as inviting as a greasy man in a black hoodie with a happy trigger finger. I flicked the light switch and a lone, dim light bulb flickered to life somewhere in the middle of the crowded basement. It did nothing for me except slightly illuminate the 'Walk of Death' I was about to experience. If I died on these steps at least the bulb would light up my mangled, bleeding body at the bottom. Just one slip and I was – _crap!_

I'd taken _one_ step – one _freaking_ step – and tripped. The long black skirt my _evil_ mother had gotten me into had caught under my foot, and I'd fallen a few steps, my legs curling under me at the last second. I was lucky that I always grabbed hold of the railing when I went down these stairs, and the rotting wood had saved me after about ten steps out of fifteen. But I still came out of the battle with a few injuries.

I groaned and bit my lip, a throbbing pain coming from the middle of my left shin. Tears sprang to my eyes from the ache, and I just _knew_ the skin had broken. After the worst of the pain subsided I checked the leg, and found that the dark grey stockings I'd found _way_ back in my closet had been torn by the rough edges of the stairs. A trickle of blood was beginning to slip down through the rest of the leggings from a large but shallow gash. I grimaced, already feeling the sting of the antibacterial spray mother would use. _Well stairs, you better be satisfied with that chunk of me until the next time we meet._

I saw some harsher light appear in front of me and looked back, seeing said mother peering down at me. I must have been a sight, whimpering in pain as I preformed an excellent example of the fetal position. She inquired about my condition.

"I'm fine…" I moaned again as another wave of pain swept up my leg. Oh…that was going to be one _nasty_ bruise. "Just momentarily crippled."

My mother – seeing that I was well enough to be a drama queen – turned around and told everyone I was fine. "She's just being a klutz."

_Well, if my __**mother's**__ insulting me, I __**must**__ be uncoordinated_, I thought, finally standing again and _slowly_ going down the rest of the steps. By the time I had reached the bottom, my leg itched and the blinding pain was nothing more than a dull throb.

And the blood was beginning to trickle faster.

OOOOO

_I…smell blood. After so long, is somebody bothering with the forgotten Nosferatu? _

_Merry Christmas indeed. _

OOOOO

I finally got to see the items.

There must have been _boxes_ and _boxes_ of things, most of the crates overfilling with shining bronze, brass, and just a _hint_ of silver and gold. And these boxes were all piled, a few stacks almost reaching the pink insulation in the ribbed ceiling. One could tell my family hadn't bother actually looking through it, since the only empty spaces were near the front.

"Holy crap," I breathed. "They were freaking_ loaded_."

Being of the middle working class, the most money I ever get to see is around these gift-giving holidays, when the bank account is drained to give presents that fake our actual wealth. Our family _thinks_ we drag in a decent amount of cash each year – we _really_ got most of our things from the last testaments of dead people and yard sales. Our home even belonged to our long dead great uncle – thank you, come again.

But this was unbelievable. Why didn't anybody _tell_ me the Hellsings actually had a heritage with dough? Did nobody even think to say 'hey, Fae, those relatives you look like don't share?' They probably could have taken a fraction of money from their account and made a _money pool_…well now I just want to have a money pool (good for all the seasons –_ warning: product may need to be wrung out after a downpour_).

My eyes scanned the boxes again. Oh well, I forgive them.

Saying I dove into the items is an understatement. I had my googly-eyes set to maximum and the off switch was broken. It took me fifteen minutes just to get through the first 'layer' of things, since I took a few items and held them in my hands. I picked some that took my fancy.

There was an old mahogany box in one of the crates that contained withering cigars and a device that cut the ends off them. In an iron tin I found a few pairs of glasses: a large wire-framed pair, an orange-tinted pair, and a rusting monocle. I also found a couple of bullet casings which turned out to be made of silver (I plopped those in the box with the cigars for later study). It was like a museum of…awesomeness. How could anyone even _think_ of selling this?

Just for fun, I began to try on the clothes I found. I could entertain myself for hours, and let's face it, when do teenagers ever get to play dress up?

I found a multitude of scarves and hats and blouses and pantsuits. By the time I reached the back of the gathering of stuff I still had a floppy dark fedora on, the brim covering my eyes. I giggled at my reflection when I passed an old Victorian-style mirror. I looked like a depressed safari guide. I was _so_ wearing this to school after vacation, dress code be damned.

That's when something _really_ interesting caught my eye.

_A coffin?_ I walked over to the casket, examining it.

It was of old world origin, the dark – more like _black_ - wood scarred after years of toil. The edges were molded and painted a more inviting white. An inscription was painted on it, obscured by a thick layer of dust and mildew. Instead of being rectangular and bulky like modern coffins, its sides were thinner and it was tapered at the top and bottom, and the middle was wider, where a human would clasp their hands. It was the classic flat edged diamond.

And it was _incredibly_ hard to open. When my curiosity got the better of me – was there a body in there!? – I tried to push away the lid, even going so far as to get on my knees and doing a full body heave. It should have been easy, considering the thickness of it, but in the end it won. I had only been able to push it an inch, and the inside was so dark I couldn't see in. _Bummer…_I thought, pouting ever so slightly. I was beginning to think they had even shipped the dead relative.

"_Ouch!_" I sucked my thumb, trying not to swear _too_ loud. I had cut myself on a splinter of wood. I looked at my thumb and scowled, seeing the sliver of wood wedged just under my skin. My nerve endings were having a bad day.

Hoping my frown was hidden by the shadow the fedora's brim made, I began to make my way back to the stairway, my treasure safely in my arms. I made a mental note to pluck the splinter from my thumb after dinner…mmm, dinner on Christmas Eve…yum.

I was barely five strides away from the coffin when it _moved_.

OOOOO

_I definitely smell blood._

Light – fingers – almost bite – jerk away – blood. Someone was trying to get into _his_ coffin. They ended up cutting themselves and pulling away, leaving behind a smear of blood.

_If history doesn't repeat itself then I'm Frankenstein's Monster._

OOOOO

I carefully set down the small boxes I had gathered on a nearby trunk without looking away from the animated coffin. Then I looked for the nearest weapon – it turned out to be a shovel propped near a gathering of gardening products. I gripped it until my knuckles were white, ready to fight off the undead. _Now I sound like the rest of my crackpot family,_ I thought with a determined frown.

My hackles shot up as a tongue worthy of Kiss – I kid you not – began to slide back and forth from the small opening I had made in the coffin lid, seemingly licking something away – oh…it was my blood. My legs began to tremble as the lid opened even more.

_Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod – holy __**crap**_ I whimpered in fear as a pale, skeletal hand finally came and pulled away the lid. I wasn't the bravest person this side of the Milky Way, and I was a few centimeters from cracking and becoming nothing more than a sniveling coward begging this undead corpse for mercy. Yup, that's me, Superman.

A gaunt head rose from the coffin like…well, a vampire; and I reacted.

The shovel hit it square in the center of its forehead with a resounding _clang!_ It fell back with a yelp, toppling from the coffin and onto the floor, where it stayed to cradle its bleeding skull.

"Why is it always a shovel!?" it shrieked. "And in the same damn place too!" It rubbed its face for a couple seconds, letting my heart rate go down ever so slightly, before jumping back up again.

It…it was a _thing_! No…it was a _he_. A he with a lean face protruding from the stiff leather collar of his sociopath-ward-escapee straightjacket. His cheek bones were almost _too_ high on his face, giving it an evil, menacing look when light hit him, making shadows dance across his features. His red eyes glared at me, a small dribble of blood running from a gash on his forehead from the shovel. His hair was…black? Or was it blond? What the _hell?_ No…it was most definitely black – now at least. It hung about him, twisting and turning as if in a breeze that only affected it.

_Oh…my great grandfather really __**did**__ miss one…,_ I thought, since after all, he could only be a – don't say it; don't say it – _vampire_ (I said it).

"_Put down the damn shovel_," The vampire growled, malice dripping off his words. A faint accent clung to them as well – an English accent? Oh…now I'll have the lovely image of him sipping tea as he kills me.

I shook my head, my throat tightening even further. The only sound I was able to make was a small, struggled squeak. _I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming…I hit my head when I fell down the stairs and now I'm on a stretcher in an ambulance and I'm dreaming…_

I swear I only blinked once…and then he was right in my face…

And he took the fedora? And…then he put it on…

My fright faded for the moment, and I loosened my hold on the shovel – don't get me wrong, I was still as jittery as a wet cat – staring at him as he inspected the hat, murmuring something about dust. He gave it a good _whack_ with his hand, shaking this apparent 'dust' from it.

And all the while I still wielded the shovel like a dangerous weapon, until I saw that the mark on his forehead was…gone.

I made another attempt at screaming, but I once again only managed a desperate imitation of a dying mouse. The creature looked at me, his mouth twitching when I stiffened under his speculating look.

"You're bleeding," He said, pointing out the obvious. I looked at my thumb – there was no blood beading near the splinter… - oh…he meant my leg. The blood had been remotely clotted until I'd bent down earlier, which made it reopen. Now it was bleeding with new vigor.

I swore under my breath, completely forgetting about the monster/vampire and worrying about how_ loud_ my mother was going to yell at me for ruining my only pair of stockings. I dropped the shovel with a sharp clang and sat down, not caring about my skirt and focusing on the blood. I had nothing to clean it with.

The sound of the creature sitting next to me almost made me pass out. _How stupid can you get? He __**distracted **__you_. Damn me and my gullibility.

The vampire gently grasped my leg, his eyes twinkling with mischievous glee. His hold reminded me of a lover bending down on one knee, asking for my hand – _ewww!_ A horrible icy feeling settled deep into my bones as the frighteningly long tongue came out, licking the wound.

"Allow me, Master." He purred with an evil smirk.

That's when I _really_ screamed.

OOOOO

Kana: -.O I didn't mean for the last part to be romantic or anything, just Alucard being his usual, evil, teasing self. He always seems to grate Integra's nerves – why wouldn't he terrify the rookie? Especially since she hit him with a _shovel_ – REVENGE FOR THE DEFLATED PRIDE!

Anyone who knows why Alucard was so pissed about the shovel gets a cookie. n.nV

Review and make me happy!


	2. Talking 'Turkey'

Kana:P (giggles) oh, I could spend my time so many other profitable ways – but I don't wanna. Yay for more sadistic Alucard… and Shadow-kun's gonna _murder_ me. (Completely avoids the History homework due in two days with a _chasse_)

(Wipes forehead) I'm so happy people like this. I was afraid everyone would be like: YOU MADE AN OC! YOU MUST BE FLAMED INTO OBLIVION! But people like it – that makes my day for some reason.

**Disclaimer**: Can you say 'Law Suits?' Well, I can, and I don't want one, so I'm going to make it clear; I DON'T OWN HELLSING! (Emo face) why make me suffer?

OOOOO

**Fortune**

**Chapter Two: Talking 'Turkey'**

OOOOO

My scream pierced the air for all of three milliseconds. The vampire scowled and slapped a cold, thin hand over my mouth, pushing me to the floor so hard my back was pressing against the cement. I'd just noticed his hands were covered with white gloves, pentacles designing the tops. My eyes were about to pop out of my skull as he brought his other finger to his lips – he was telling me to _shut up_.

"You wouldn't want the rest of your family to know about me so soon, do you Master?" He whispered, as if my family was right next to us instead of above us through a solid ceiling of wood. I heard the clinking of plates and silver wear; they were setting the table for supper – that must have meant it was almost seven o'clock. I had been down here for almost an hour.

I made a muffled noise against his hand, so he removed it to allow me to speak, but his palm hovered, ready to cover my mouth in case I screamed again.

"My family will be coming down to check on me," I said as equally soft – not because I feared we would be heard, but because I was about to burst into tears from fear. "If you kill me you'll never get out of here alive. The paranoid idiots always have garlic _somewhere_." I rolled my eyes despite my fear. I think my dad stuffed it up a special, private place.

He chuckled, propping himself up with an elbow, the bone pressing hard on my clavicle. "I doubt your family would be able to slaughter me with garlic and a wooden stake. If I wished to kill you, I would have done it by now and already be out in the night." His eyes flickered in amusement when I swallowed thickly. "But I cannot, Master."

_What is with the 'master?'_ I thought, gagging slightly. "Well…if you're not going to kill me, can you get off? I can't breathe."

The vampire smirked but obliged, swiftly removing his chest from mine. I heaved a deep sigh and sat up, looking at him. He had found a position sitting cross-legged next to me – _well I hope he's __**comfy**_His hands found the dark fedora and placed it on his head for a moment, as if to get the feel of it again. Then it was off, settled in his lap.

I was the first to speak, since the vampire was apparently content with freaking me out by just _staring_ at me. He kind of looked…disappointed…

He frowned in absolute seriousness. "Why do none of my Master's ever go into hysterical fear when I reveal myself?" He got a 'far-far-away-in-Never-Never-Land' look. "That'd be fun…" He nodded his head to no one in particular.

I cocked my head, _again, the 'master'._ "Who _are_ you?" I asked, standing.

The vampire snapped back into reality, making my stomach drop into my butt when he gave me a predatory smile. It took him all of two seconds to get up and make me back into a wall, his nose almost touching mine. He had to hunch forward to meet my gaze – _damn he was tall._

"I am your servant, you are my Master. I am the Hellsing family pet, the Nosferatu, the undead, the No-Life King." He said to me, his white teeth so close to my face I could hear them clicking together. The fangs were especially chilling. "I am Alucard."

_Where have I heard that before? _I thought.

OOOOO

"Where's Fae? Dinner's almost ready."

"Probably still looking through those rotting antiques."

"They belonged to your…second cousin?"

"Yeah…Integral somethin' somethin' Hellsing. I heard she was a real ice bitch over in England – relations with the Queen and everything."

"Even so, she had the generosity to practically ship her house to us –."

"Only because we're the only living relatives _left_ and she probably didn't want to government taking her things."

"_Enough!_ Go get Fae!"

OOOOO

"So-o…you're a vampire."

"Obviously."

"And you're supposed to serve the Hellsing family heir – which is me."

"You catch on _quite_ quickly."

"And my second cousin – this Integra – _made_ me the heir."

"Damn you're sharp."

I narrowed my eyes; my patience was stretched _thin-thin_ from his sarcasm and cynicism. Every time I asked a question or tried to make something clear he slapped me with his sharp tongue (metaphorically of course, but it would make an interesting picture if it was literally). "If you don't shut up I'm going to nail you into your coffin for _good_."

Alucard made a mocking face. "Oooo, I'm so _scared_," He whispered, wrinkling his nose. "Don't send me to my room, Master."

_Oh, I'm __**so**__ gonna have to kick his ass later on_, I thought, glaring at him. My glares were worth _squat_ though, and they shot fluffy – but rabid – bunnies instead of daggers. But I had a _shovel_ on hand, which seemed to piss him off.

After explaining everything to me…three times, both of us settling into a comfortable position on the floor, Alucard had donned the hat again, this time permanently, which looked _ridiculous_ with the straightjacket he was in. He had also taken the glass box of specs from me, and was fingering them in his lap. He seemed to be attached to the tinted pair.

"So…you going to tell your family, or do I get to sleep some more?" Alucard rolled a shoulder, popping it stridently.

"I…don't know," I could see it now – there would be pandemonium for about ten seconds, then grandma would hold him down as my six-year-old cousin stabbed him repeatedly with Baby's First Wooden Stake… "They wouldn't be too approving…"

The vampire prodded behind one of his fangs with a tongue. "I should think so; all Hellsings are taught to hate vampires – even when they're not entirely sure they're real. _Obviously_ you were…cut off from the rest of the family." His words hurt.

"We weren't…_cut off_," I bristled, clenching my jaw to tight my back teeth wiggled. "My grandmother just came to America."

"She was shunned."

"She wanted to quench her curiosity."

"Least she didn't become a drunken – _uck!_"

I had grabbed the shovel and stood before he could say anything else, hitting him so hard off the back of the head with it he lurched forward, the back of his skull caving in slightly. Blood ran down his neck.

"You're a violent little wanker, aren't you?" he murmured, rubbing the cracked skull until it healed. "You probably lose a lot of friends that way, huh?" he ran a hand along the back of his neck, his palm coming away soaked with blood.

"Only the ones that talk shit about my family." I growled, my knuckles white from clutching the shovel as he licked the blood from his hand happily, as if it was the best treat he'd had in ages – it probably was. "Speaking of my family…" I propped the shovel against a crate. The noises coming from upstairs were getting louder – more commotion meant dinner was only minutes away (and I suspected I was so hungry my stomach was sticking to my spine).

"So…you're not going to tell them…?" Alucard looked like Christmas had come…twice in one day. "But you do realize I'm meant to serve the Hellsing Organization?" he steepled his fingers like an impish TV villain, sneering at me. How many times was I going to have to beat him with a shovel to get him to respect me?

"Guess what? There _is_ no Hellsing Organization anymore." I reveled in the slight widening of his eyes – the only trace of surprise he allowed me to see. "It ended with the death of you other Master."

"No vampire attacks?"

"None."

"No undead ghouls?"

"Zilch."

"No corrupt priests?"

"_Nein_."

If it was possible, Alucard paled even more. I sort of felt sorry for him; without the Organization he rambled to me about, he had no purpose, no reason for him to be around. I'd never felt unwanted before – I lived with a family that always needed to be active, so I always had something to do. And if anything was to be said about his personality, if he wasn't wanted around, he would have _definitely_ been told about it.

The poor egotistical bastard.

"I'll find _something_ for you to do," I scoffed, crossing my arms as he stood. "Like…a private minder or something…"

This just seemed to sour his mood. "I'm not a _bodyguard_, I'm an _assassin_." His left eye twitched ever so slightly. It satisfied me somehow when I irked him.

"Well unless you want to be the creepy man on the porch that kills squirrels with a shotgun, you'll accept my suggestions and like it – _Servant._" _I could get used to this…_

Alucard made a face like he'd smelt something bad. "Maybe you'll get attacked by a hoard of ghouls sometime in the near future…"

"That's the spirit."

"_Fae!_" my mother's sharp scream pierced the air like cold iron.

I jumped at least a foot in the air, my hair _almost_ standing on end. But that phenomenon was saved for Alucard's mane, which seemed to have a life of its own. I looked around frantically, seeing a large splotch of harsh light from the upper floor at the foot of the stairs that were so far…far away…in a saner world.

"What!?" Yup, that was my family, the crazy British people on the street that communicated with a series of harsh screams, sharp insults, and the occasional leather shoe to the head. I looked at Alucard, who had stopped breathing momentarily and had become rigid as a…very pale board.

"_Dinner!_" a loud _bang_ signaled that she had slammed the door shut. I had about five minutes to drag my butt up there before someone came down here to do it for me.

Then I started to freak out. "Okay! You stay down here until I work up an excuse and get away."

Alucard snorted. "It'll be suspicious if you come down here again. Isn't there someplace I could meet you later on that's _not_ suspicious?"

I thought about it. Every Christmas the _entire_ family (at least, the ones that showed up) stayed at my grandmother's house. The younger cousins – all ten of them: ages six to thirteen – shared the living room, dining room, and the study, their sleeping bags all scattered around the first floor like colorful weeds. The adults and the three eldest – me plus another fifteen year old and a seventeen year old – had the guest rooms. I hadn't had to share a room with anybody since I was fourteen, and it really was coming in handy.

"Yeah…the second floor," I began, biting my lip. "The third door from the right of the staircase. I'll be there after dinner."

"A bedroom," Alucard grinned. "I'll bring my coffin."

"Oh, that's not suspicious at _all_." I rolled my eyes. "A giant wooden coffin in my bedroom? My family will be _peachy_ with that."

OOOOO

"Fae, why are you so jumpy?"

At that comment…I, well…jumped. I was wound tighter than a Superball – one little nudge and I would be off, bouncing off the walls in hysteria.

I tried to smile, but it was more of a grimace. My heart was beating so fast I expected it to burst from my chest and mingle with the half-eaten food on my plate. "I'm fine…just a little tired," _yeah, that's believable. _"May I be excused?"

"Not yet," My grandmother snapped as harshly as she could – it didn't really work. "It's only been fifteen minutes; you've barely eaten."

Those supposed fifteen minutes felt like an hour. I kept expecting Alucard to burst from the wall and kill us all. Or at least scare poor Dracula to death – that seemed more like him. I stared down at my plate, pushing the potatoes and half-eaten meat-thing into a sort of mush. I had been hungry a while ago, but now I was sick to my stomach.

_Why so scared, Master?_

"_Shit!_" I screamed as a sudden chuckling voice vibrated right between my ears, making me topple out of my seat and onto the floor, finding that the carpet was quite uncomfortable. I looked up, seeing twenty-odd faces staring at me.

"Are you _sure_ you're alright?" one of the younger cousins asked, blinking.

There was a bit of a fuss as I reached my feet. "I guess it's been a long day," I murmured, blushing so hard it felt like my face was about to explode like an orange under a tire. "I'm just tired…_please_ may I be excused?"

Out of pure sympathy for my poor profanely exhausted behind, my family nodded simultaneously. So I dragged myself off the floor, my stomach curling in on itself and freezing when a petrified squeal broke through the silence.

"_There's a man in my room!_"

_Ah __**fuck**_ I thought as my older sister barreled down the stairs, her face as white as who I figured had been in her room.

_Oops_, I heard Alucard mutter inside my head. _Wrong room_.

_You're so __**dead**_ I thought, wondering how the hell I could be speaking to him telepathically. The world's been flipped upside down and then beaten with the Almighty Stick of Profound Oddity.

_I already am…_

_Oh shut up_.

OOOOO

"How the hell could you go into the wrong room?" I snapped at the vampire, my words making him wince slightly.

"I guess I'm still a little confused with my rights and lefts after so long." Alucard sat on his coffin, drawing little patterns in the dust on the lid. He frowned at the layer of grime that came away on his finger. "No respect…"

I looked at him. _Where did he find all those clothes?_ I thought, utterly bewildered.

Alucard had somehow found a giant red coat and put it over a black waistcoat and white silk shirt. The waistcoat's buttons shined golden as a red cravat brushed the tops of the highest ones. The ridiculous red fedora and orange sunglasses made him look…well…

"Hey, Pimpin' President Washington, where'd you find those?"

He looked at me haughtily over the sunglasses. "In the various trunks. I'm relieved that they didn't throw away my clothes."

One of my eyebrows arched. "I guess a bloody Colonial Jackson is a step up from Hannibal the Cannibal."

"She must have thought I was Father Christmas." Alucard looked pretty damn proud of himself.

"Yeah, a homicidal, pedophiliac, anorexic Santa Claus." I scoffed, trying to imagine Alucard with a fake beard and puffy red suit. It sort of hurt my eyes…

Then I noticed where exactly his coffin was.

"Why is it in _plain sight_!?" I cried, pointing wildly at the black coffin. It was at the foot of my bed, its lid as clear as day on the cream colored carpet.

"No its not," Alucard used his foot and slid the coffin under the dark blue bed, the casket fitting perfectly as the bed's skirt settled back into place. "See? That's the safest place for it. If it was in the basement your family would be more likely to come across it."

"But…it's…where I sleep…" I had a spasm like someone with a million spiders on them. "I don't want you in the same room as me!" I squealed.

Alucard chuckled wickedly. "But Master, where is the best place for me to protect you if it's not in the same room as you?" he took off his coat, hat, and sunglasses, stuffing them under the bed haphazardly. _Oh, is that how the battle is waged – vampires fight dirty, don't they?_

I sighed, sitting on the bed as Alucard wiggled his way under the bed. I felt like I'd been moving around all day. My fingers and toes were stuff from the chill in the house, so I shoved them under my arms. I wrinkled my nose, curling into a ball and shivering. My flannel pajamas were doing nothing for my poor limbs.

I felt Alucard somehow squeeze his way into his coffin under the bed, hearing the lid first clatter to the floor, and then slid into place. "Comfortable?" I asked, feeling ridiculous as I talked to the bed.

"_Very_." Alucard's reply was muffled by the coffin.

I carefully slid myself under the quilt, shaking slightly. How was I going to get to sleep with a freakin' _vampire_ in my room?

_Why don't I just tell my family?_ I thought, rubbing the pillow with my face. I pushed further to block out any sounds from downstairs. _It'd be like introducing the Capulets to the Montagues; people would fight, there would be mentions of God, and in the end, the two heroes would __**die**_. I groaned, snuggling further under the comforter.

I had woken up this morning hoping to have a nice, normal Christmas, and then go to sleep with sugarplums dancing in my head...okay, those plums would only be induced if my grandmother put opium in my food, but you get the idea. But now I was going to sleep with crazy-ass, fedora-wearing, blood-licking vampire pimps under my _bed_.

_God_ this was a weird Christmas.

OOOOO

_I had a horrible dream that night._

_I dreamt I was forever running in an endless hallway, and I knew that the only thing waiting for me at the end was a dark, bottomless room. I heard the screams of the dying and the wails of the mourning and gunshots and bones splintering and flesh tearing…_

_It was a melody of horror. _

_The air I was able to fill my lungs with made my chest burn. My muscles ached and all I wanted to do was die. And I didn't even know what I was running from. _

"_Master!" A rasping, malicious voice called from behind me. "Master!"_

"_No!" I screeched. "Leave me alone!"_

_A gun fired, and a searing pain ripped through my back. I stumbled, crumpling in a small, feeble heap._

"_Heh, Master!" the voice lowered to a mocking, girlish squeak. "Master! Master! Do all the Hellsings believe everything they hear!?"_

_Another shot, and I was dead._

OOOOO

"Master…Master…" Someone was nudging me with all the demand and haste of a child. "Master…Master…Master!"

"What!?" I had originally been lying on my side with my back facing the edge of the bed. But now my hand came up as I turned onto my back, hitting whoever was looming over me in the face.

Alucard yelped, covering the eye that I'd poked and backing away. "Why do you keep hurting me?" he whined, rubbing away the red tears from his watering eyes.

"Because you were leering over me as I slept like some creepy old man!" I squawked, sitting up and looking around.

The only light in the entire room was a dim lamp near the door. The curtains were drawn so tight not even a sliver of sun was coming in; and I don't remember doing that. Even Alucard's face was hidden in shadow from the fedora's brim.

"You don't like the sun, do you?" I asked slyly, smirking.

"Not at all," Alucard seemed to grow smaller at the very thought of sun.

"Does it _kill_ you?" I asked, wriggling my toes under the quilt.

"No," Alucard's sunglasses hid his eyes when they hit the light of the lamp. "But it does make me feel like I've been beaten with a red-hot poker."

"Lovely." My feet touched the carpet daintily, and it only took my sleep fogged brain a few seconds to realize Alucard was gone. "Where'd you go?" Bugger, he was probably planning my demise-by-fright.

"Fae?" My father's bright, Christmassy face was the first thing I saw before the world began to unwind. "Come down…what's that?"

I felt the blood rush out of my face as I looked at what he was staring at. A big…black…dog…on my bed…

The dog was panting innocently, looking like the product of a mastiff's and cocker spaniel's Saturday night. Its tongue lolled out the side of its mouth, its eyes half-lidded and lazy. _Oh no, Alucard_.

"Where'd that come from?" My father pointed at it.

The moment was so random, so weird…so damn against me, that the only thing I could say was:

"Can I keep him?"

OOOOO

Kana: If anyone's read _Dracula_, you know that the Count isn't killed in sunlight; he's just severely weakened to a mortal state. And that last bit was just plot development. I figured Fae was too high-strung and paranoid to keep the secret for so long, so I guess Alucard was like 'screw that' and used his cunning to make the family know…but not know…O.o (goes back to playing Fire Emblem)

Review Responses: (HOLY ----!!! (censored) Look at all those reviews… (dies))

Anony: (By the way, that name is so spiffy for some reason) … (blushes) You made my ego swell…O.o

Master of the Boot: O.o (gives you a giant cookie) I keep having daydreams about Harker beating Alucard with a shovel over and over and over and over

Harker: (swings shovel over his head) Die vile beast! Feel my gardening tool of DOOM!

Alucard: T-T (makes clanging sound as the shovel beats the crap out of him) Why me? (uses Walter as a shield)

(For some reason, your name amuses me too X3)

mslcat: I don't think Fae would do that – she's already skittish about Alucard as it is. But have no fear; I'm a fan of killing shit (snickers) and I think I'd be more like 'Dad…I found this thing in the basement…can we keep him? – I _think_ he's house trained…'

VampireEgyptian: "Ooh, a Hellsing one now." What's THAT supposed to mean O.-

…Oh…that I write a lot…(sheepish) Oh sweetie, I just keep confusing you, don't I? No, actually…_Integra's kinda…dead_ (ahem…Screams as she's attacked by a million rabid Integra fans) But I haven't decided about Seras… and her grandmother is just a daughter of Abraham – since…you know…he was a guy…in the eighteen hundreds…and he _could_ have been busy…O.o Yes! They ARE lucky bitches! And DAMMIT! Why can't my stories be real? Why can't I make them real…why am I not GOD!? (gettin' a little weird there…)

Some of the reviews were too short for me to answer without making me feel repetitive, but I would like to thank:

starspawn07

ShinobiShinigami58

Lord Makura

Silverfox3220

little-hellsing

and

Rea

- for reviewing.

I like reviews (gets a dreamy look) In fact, the more I get, the faster I write)

So…REVIEW (please?)


	3. Welcome to Baskerville

Kana: I was watching_ The Hound of the Baskervilles_ when I wrote this .

Must. Stop. Playing. Wii… O.o (I'm such a NERD)

**Disclaimer**: I'll own Hellsing when Rip Van Winkle eats the moon as Seras and Pip screw and Anderson gets abducted and Integra wears a miniskirt and Enrico, Walter and Alucard fuck like bunnies…together. And all this happens at the same damn time.

I do know Baskerville isn't a place, but a surname. I figured it's a nice pun.

OOOOO

**Fortune**

**Chapter Three: Welcome to Baskerville**

OOOOO

"You're trying to send me into an early grave, aren't you?" I whispered.

_Oh if you only knew_.

Welcome to the story of my life. I'm Fae and I will be your tour guide for today. The exhibit here is 'why you shouldn't do dope'. Nah, I'm just kidding; I'm really talking to my vampire/servant/massive black dog that I recently found in the cellar of my grandmother's basement. He was splayed out on my lap as I sat in an armchair, my legs beginning to go numb from the fact that he was lying on them.

Alucard panted in my face happily, obviously proud about revealing himself (in the form of a giant dog) to my family. His breath was hot and smelled faintly like the rodent blood he had drunk during his last 'walk'. _Your family seems nice._

"Oh they're a _blast_," I said sarcastically, though not loud enough for my family to know I was talking to my dog.

After my father had found Alucard in my room and I'd used the oldest line about animals in the book, it had taken me ten minutes to make up a story about finding a '_poor, sweet, homeless stray'_ in grandmother's garage (which was connected to the basement) and '_taking pity upon him_' I snuck him up to my room until '_father rudely barged in before I could explain_.'

_Damn_ my family was gullible. If I told them I had taken a part time gig as a hooker to pay off debts owed to the Kansas Mob because they'd scratched out a couple of mathematical equations for me, my family would ask me which equations and why the Mob was in Kansas now.

Convincing them to let Alucard (AKA: the DOG) stay was another thing. _Is he smart? Good-natured? Free of parasites? Where'd you find him? _If there was ever a civilization with vampires for actors, Alucard was the king.

And somehow the stray I found was completely healthy, free of ticks and fleas, and quite well-fed. I wonder how that happened. Do _you_ know?

"You're evil as hell, you know that, right?" I said, fiddling with his ears. My heart was thumping against my chest, trying to get out once again from fear.

_I know, it's what I do_. Alucard sighed heavily through his nose in the way that dogs do. _I was bored._

"It's been _one_ day."

_I get bored easily_…

OOOOO

"_**FAE!**_" Ah, an elder sister's screams. God's natural alarm clock.

I sighed and snuggled further under my thick quilt. "_What!?_" Ugh, I hurt my own head.

"_Your freaky dog was chewing my shoes!_" Her screams meld into one big annoying mush, and I stopped listening.

I giggled into my pillow, already imagining Alucard eating her most expensive shoes – the ones she'd 'given' me for my birthday, then 'relieved' me of them when they were too big. But they fit her just fine. He may be cynical and disrespectful to me, but he was just plain _evil_ to my elder sister. _Thank __**you**_.

Then the truth plowed into me, it was a school day. My good mood instantly flew out the window. I groped my bedside table for my digital clock, fumbling with the evil plastic box as it screeched at me. I banged it upside down on the table, successfully shutting it up. Then I looked at the time;

The blurry red numbers told me it was _5:57_. I groaned, pulling my comforter over my head. _"Damn."_

"Such a foul mouth," A voice purred above me. A depression formed near me on the bed, indicating that a certain dog was seeking warmth.

"Bugger off," I moaned as he nudged any uncovered skin with his frigid nose. "I hope you enjoyed you breakfast of expensive leather; that's half my college fund in your belly right now." I peeked out from under the covers, seeing the usual eight red eyes staring at me. When anyone else was around he closed six of them, but he saved the joy of seeing him in all his frightening glory _just_ for me. I poked his belly with a sharp, thin finger.

"I just _chewed_ on them," Alucard said slyly, showing me what big teeth he had. "I didn't _eat_ them." Suddenly I had a vampire on my bed instead of a dog. Oh well, a pet was a pet.

I squealed as his cold hands found my toes and tickled them ruthlessly. "Son of a -!"

He chuckled. "Even the densest human could guess that you were ticklish, and then use it against you."

"You're pure _evil!_" I wailed as his fingers seemed to catch up with my feet as I tried to get them out of his reach.

"All's fair in love and war." Alucard sneered, grabbing me by the ankles and tugging me out of the warm safety of my bed. I clawed at the sheets like a badger being dragged from its home by a trained hound. "Now come on! If I have to be your servant then you need to be worthy of being my Master."

I allowed myself to be carried over his shoulder out of my bedroom and into the hallway. Alucard stopped for a moment, obviously listening for anyone else. All there was to hear was my mother making coffee downstairs, my father's snort/snoring sounds, and my sister fretting about sharpies and those damn shoes.

"All clear," He whispered, as if he was a marine on the battlefield.

I was just getting used to his shoulder in my gut when suddenly the world was flipped right-side-up. I bit my bottom lip as I was dumped fully clothed into a bath of freezing water, my shriek stifled by the bar of soap shoved into my mouth.

"Clean up," Alucard said with a smirk. "You're late."

OOOOO

He was right, I was late. A half hour late, to be exact. And by the time I'd emptied the cold bath, and refilled it and washed, I had a good ten minutes to get dressed and run to my bus. But Alucard took great care in making my life hell.

First I couldn't find a clean towel, so I peeked out to rush to the hall closet and get one; but he was just sitting right _in front of the door_, all innocent like as he panted while my mother walked by, eyeing my 'dog.'. In the end I used the hand towel and it took up three minutes. My clothing I'd picked out for the day last night had 'mysteriously' gone missing from the foot of my bed, and was replaced with a pair of black slacks and a white button-down shirt.

I shivered in my cotton robe, glaring at the clothing. "Where's my uniform?" I chattered, my back teeth wiggling as I clenched my jaw.

Alucard chuckled behind me as my long hair dripped cold water on the floor. "Why is your school making you wear skirts everyday? Is this country not a free one? Isn't there such thing as a woman's rights?"

"It's a uniform – I'll get a detention." I shuffled to my closet, hoping he hadn't done anything to the rest of my blue plaid skirts and black jumpers. I opened it and my heart dropped. "Where are they!?" My closet was empty of skirts and full of pants and fancy silk shirts.

The vampire pouted, appearing next to me, his arms laden down with all my uniforms. "This uniform is undignified." He growled. "None of my previous Masters listened to protocol."

"Yeah, well, welcome to America," I grabbed the uniforms and dumped them on my bed. "Well?" I gave him a_ look_.

"Yes?" Alucard stared back.

I gestured to the door. "Out." I commanded as if it was obvious. "I'm not changing with you in here."

He smirked. "Your sister's out there, I need to stay in here."

That was bullshit, and he knew it. I glared harder, but it just made me feel like I was going to pop a blood vessel.

Then I got an idea. He was immortal, right?

"Take off your head," I said, standing akimbo. Alucard's eyes widened.

"What?"

"Take off…your head." I held out my hand. He seemed to register my order within a few seconds.

Alucard grasped his own head with two hands, and _pulled_. With a sickening squelch he held his skull in his hands, the half-stump of his neck instantly healing. I dry heaved for a moment.

"Happy?" the head asked irately. I gestured again, and Alucard's eyes rolled as his body handed his head to me.

"Very." I stuffed the head into a drawer as the body sat down on the bed. "Now do you regret being a smart ass?"

The head chuckled from inside the drawer. "You really are a Hellsing, my Master."

"Damn straight."

OOOOO

_Coffee cup?_ In my hand.

_Homework?_ In my backpack.

_Windbreaker? _Under my other arm.

_Backpack?_ Ah fuck.

"My backpack," I leaned my forehead against the cold window of the bus. I'd _just_ made it to the bus – it was beginning to pull away when I'd scrambled up, my coffee sloshing over. My book bag was still sitting at the foot of the stairs, containing half my notebooks and most of my homework.

I took a sip of coffee, instantly spitting it back when I found out that it tasted horribly like –

"_Alucard!"_ I screamed, scaring the entire bus and making people near me jump. I heard the vampire laughing all the way at my house. "_You're dead!_ _Again!_"

_The son of a bitch had used the coffee pot to heat up blood!_

"Gross," I took my time at the first red light to dump it out the window. It almost hit a kid on a scooter swerving down the crosswalk.

_But Master, did you wish for me to get it fresh?_ Alucard said, humor lacing his words.

My left eyebrow twitched. _Where __**did**__ you get it?_

_Nearby hospital_, Alucard purred. He sent me an image of him drinking blood from a pouch like a juice box. He looked like a homicidal five-year-old…in pimp sunglasses. _Very nice people._

_You know you're probably stealing from terminally ill children, right?_ I frowned, trying to become smaller as a moron in front of me opened his window. The air was fresh and rid the bus of the stink of adolescences, but it was _freezing_. I winced as a sudden ruckus began on his side. _What's going on?_

_Your mother's beating me with a newspaper for lying on the couch_, Alucard was making fake yelp noises just for show – the newspaper we got could barely kill a fly, let alone hurt his thick head. He began to mumble irately. _I don't shed, dammit. I'm not even a real dog._

I scoffed_. Don't worry about it. My parents are still suffering from a bite on the ass from the infamous Furniture Faerie._

_The what?_ Alucard's 'voice' hid his annoyance as my mother obviously began to list the places he couldn't and could go. This was quite amusing to me, since she believed him to be a dog that was supposed to only be smart enough to know that he can't use the house as a loo – _I heard that_.

I cleared my throat bashfully, making the guy sitting behind me sink further back into his seat, as if I was carrying some viral infection. _Anyway, we got a new couch a few weeks ago, so they've been all 'don't eat near it, don't sit too hard on it, don't breathe on it with bad breath' – stuff like that. I call this affliction the 'Furniture Faerie'._

_Right…_Alucard sighed. _I'm bored_.

The bus began to wheeze to a halt in front of a withering school composed of crumbling bricks and held up with the stink of a shower gone wrong and taxpayer money. _Well, don't complain to me, _I snapped as the doors creaked open with the lovely sound of rust on rust. Some kid sneezed behind me, and a girl's high pitched squeal signaled that the flying spittle had hit someone. _Go sleep; don't vampires do that during the day?_

_Hmm…_he sniffed indifferently, leaving me to sit in peace…and brood about the fact that I'm a ditz for leaving my backpack at home.

This day already sucked.

OOOOO

Here's how my day went:

I bumped into three people simultaneously, unintentionally creating a school gang fight (which I slinked away from).

I had flunked a quiz and didn't finish another, and I'd been called on three times in the same class – and didn't know the answer to any of the questions. I was almost given detention when a substitute thought I was trying to pull a fast one when I said my last name (that one included a clarifying call to the office).

My locker jammed between classes and the one next to mine smelled horribly like pure, unadulterated boy-musk and rotting fruit. It belonged to a jock; a very busy jock. I had trouble ripping my books and binders from the bottom of the pile, and ended up with a long cut on my forearm. Alucard was going to go wild.

The first two classes I had included no due homework, so I was fine. But my worst subject, Modern World History, was approaching fast at an amazing and terrifying rate. And my backpack…

I was in algebra when it happened…

The cheap classroom phone rang, making almost everyone jump into a slight attention (except this one guy in the way back who was noticeably snoring). I looked up only slightly – it was never for me. The phone was only used to call students to the office for dismissal or something equally dull.

But today wasn't my day, and my teacher called my name, and I soon found myself walking down the uninviting stainless steel hallways of Satan's School.

"Oh _shit_," I felt the blood drain from my face as _he_ looked back at me from behind one of the glass walls the office had on the outside. "No…nonononononono…"

_He_ didn't even give me time to get into the office. As soon as I was near the door his deft hand reached out and opened it for me.

"My Master, why such a long face?" Alucard asked, his hat off in the school. Who knew the arrogant bastard had such manners?

"What are you _doing_?" I hissed through my teeth, making sure none of the lethally bored office members could hear me.

Alucard held up my backpack, all zipped and ready to go. My heart rate instantly decreased, safely from the danger zone once again. He was going to give me an ulcer.

"It has your stink all over it." He teased, wrinkling his nose. "I figured you might need it."

"Thanks." I furrowed my brow, subtly sniffing my arm. I smelled like my shampoo – manufactured, artificial strawberries. "How'd you get here?"

"That's a secret," Alucard tapped my nose twice and turned on his heel.

I blinked, and he had vanished. When I looked around, it seemed I was the only one that had seen him.

I hadn't gotten a hall pass, so when I tried to go back to my classroom, I was given a detention.

_Damn you Alucard!_

OOOOO

Kana: (passes out) School… (Did I mention that god forgot to give me scholastic talents? Yeah, no memory…I forget everything)

Review Responses: ZOMGWTFBBQPWNED! (dies at the sight of all the reviews)

silverXphoenix: Oh yes, he's innocent NOW. Wait until LATER. And yes, I'm planning to give Fae hell during school.

Lunatic Pandora1: Actually, I think Alucard's funny little straightjacket is supposed to represent his 'true personality', but yeah, I doubt his other clothes are real…but no one really knows what they are (though he is the worlds greatest stripper. He drops a power level and BOOM, one more piece of clothing is GONE… O.o) yeah, I know about the phasing. But you gotta give me a break, I've only seen the first three OVAs and up till the fourth manga plus the old anime…(I'd rather follow the manga though). But thanks for the criticism! Not a lot of reviewers do that! (hugs…thinks it over and has Alucard hug you instead)

VampireEgyptian: I know, I know I killed her. (ducks as another wave of Integra fans throw stuff at her). I haven't really decided about Seras, but she'll be here… man don't do that to your friend…one time another friend of mine won a bet and yeah…I had to go into Wal-Mart decked out as Alucard…not fun… And Schrödinger is THE BEST! But not as awesome as Rip, who still isn't as good as Walter, who is second only to Alucard (goes through entire list)

You can't be God, since I'm only not God because I don't believe in him. O.-

Master of the Boot: Cookies are good for the soul. I don't think Anderson would have beaten him easily without a SILVER shovel, but Alucard would have gone down faster than the Titanic. Baskerville is so cute, but Alucard as a hellhound is a tad better! Who doesn't want a vampire/hellhound for a pet? Alucard is fucked up; his smile could give a thousand kittens a heart attack. …Um…I'm a girl…please tell me you're a guy…

Maira: Sorry hun, but I prefer to edit all my chapters on my own. It may not be as effective as a beta, but it's how I do it. But thanks for the offer, that tells me that you care n.nV

Rea: I don't…THINK that counts as an obsession. But here's something to make you feel better – I check my email a few times an hour for updates and reviews. NO! Alucard is MINE (runs away with Alucard tucked under her arm)

franny-o: Really? My dad would stare at then be fine with him after first calling him a 'shithead.'

Also a thank you to the other reviewers who I couldn't respond to without feeling repetitive:

Silverfox3220, little-hellsing, and blackwolfgirl88. Thankies!

End Responses

REVIEW! Please…


	4. The King and I

Kana: So tired…school in…three hours…

(Alucard runs through wearing nothing but hot pink)

Kana: O.O All better (passes out)

**Disclaimer**: If I owned Hellsing my life wouldn't be this monotonous.

I cannot wait until Christmas! (grabs Alucard and hugs him in jubilation until he just stops breathing altogether) And the vacation will give me a chance to finish a piece of original work I've been working on since…June. And it's only a few pages long but I wanted to get it _perfect_. If you're interested (Yes? Maybe? No? "Why the hell are you talking on and on, I want to read the damn story."? Okay.) it'll be posted on my LiveJournal (the link is on my profile under 'website'. It needs some attention)

This has been the weekly 'shameless self promotion', thank you (bows). Just to warn you people, this story isn't going to be the happiest fic on the face of the Earth.

OOOOO

**Fortune**

**Chapter Four: The King and I **

OOOOO

I've had detention say…three times – in the past month. I get it a lot for miniscule things: being late to class, being late to school, being late to lunch, back talking, getting into scuffles (and losing most of the time), burning failed tests in the bathroom sinks, having matches to do aforesaid burning, extensive swearing…

Okay…most of them are miniscule, some are…quite profane.

But _anyway_, my parents have finally figured out a task that annoys me _so_ much that I've begun to check myself before saying or burning anything in school.

They make me grocery shop. _Ugh_.

OOOOO

"You lead a very mundane life, don't you?" Alucard frowned, watching me hike a plastic baggie of McIntosh apples onto the scale. I had half of one in my mouth, saliva pooling near it on my tongue.

I hadn't eaten lunch – I'll pay for it, I promise.

"Yes." I plopped the apples with the rest of the fruit (three pears, four peaches, a package of raspberries and blueberries each, some strawberries, pomegranates, grapes, and a _lemon_). The apple's skin gave way for my eager jaw as I took it from my mouth. "Hold this," I gave him a couple bales of leeks to hold in one hand and a baggie of tomatoes to hold in the other while I searched for the best onion in a pile.

"How do you not die from boredom?" Alucard dropped the things into the wire cart, next to a few bulbs of garlic and a package of lettuce.

I placed the onions I picked into the cart _carefully_. "Because not everyone is gifted with a vampire servant such as you." I struck a Shakespearian pose for a moment, leading many a passersby to wonder about my sanity. "No, really, I'm just getting used to all this _excitement_." _More like cynicism_.

My backpack was slowly digging further and further into my shoulders as I wheeled the creaky cart down as isle, slouching over the handle bar. _Let's see…bread, meat, butter, milk, cheese…synthetic cold cuts. _A sudden burst a frigid air from a nearby automatic door made me shiver, my windbreaker still doing nothing for me.

I glared at Alucard and his big billowy coat of gravity defying warmness. His hat seemed to stay on even when the biggest gust of wind had nearly blown me away, and it seemed he'd just…lost most of his hair. Or maybe he tucked it in that damn hat of his. Either way, my servant was freaky as hell.

After I added sushi and a jar of pickles to my cart, I found out that _someone_ had snuck in a bottle of metal polisher and a few washcloths.

"And you need this _because_," I waved a rag in his face.

Alucard's sly response sent chills down my spine. "Personal reasons."

"_Ok-ay_,"

By the time I bought it all, I had a total of ten dollars to my name. _Crap_.

"Alright…" Alucard and I snuck off somewhere private. "Do the creepy thing you do."

Alucard rolled his eyes as I covered mine with my mitten-covered hands. There was a series of unnatural growls and snarls, and suddenly I had a dog. It began to snow, powdering his fur.

I rubbed my arms, trying to get warm as Alucard padded up, six of his eyes closing and melding into regular black fur. _Cold?_ He never actually spoke in public – it was too risky.

"A little." I twitched my nose, piling the grocery bags into the little…rusty wagon I'd brought along for the long walk home. I'd hitched it to his shiny new collar (courtesy of my mum). "Ready?"

_Not really_. Alucard pulled the wagon along like a…ass. He put the weight into his shoulders like a real pack animal, hunching forward slightly. I snuggled further into my jacket. _This is degrading. _

"Luckily, everyone you know is back in England, so they can't see you." I giggled as he sneezed, shaking to get all the snow off of his back.

_Right…_

OOOOO

About twenty minutes and one half mile later, and Alucard was whining uncharacteristically.

_Can we take a bre-eak?_ He wailed, tugging at my coat. I smacked him off the top of the head, one of his large ears taking the brunt of the hit.

"Suck it up," I growled, but Alucard was as stubborn as usual and sat his rump on the ground, refusing to budge. "You son of a -."

_Language_, Alucard suddenly became the first dog ever to smirk. I gave him a critical stare as he panted happily at my frustration.

"Alright, a break." I sat down on the curb, putting my chin on one of my knees. "Your laziness is probably the reason why my sister calls you a 'fat saluki.'"

Alucard suddenly had a sneezing fit. _I am not!_

I leaned against him when he sat next to me, both of us seeking heat. I was not fortunate; under Alucard's lifeless fur was even more lifeless frigid skin. Talk about giving someone the cold shoulder. But the vampire was practically crooning with happiness.

_You smell nice today_, he shoved his wet nose into my forearm, taking a long sniff of the cut from my locker. _Your blood smells like mincemeat._

"I smell like spicy fruit?" I sniffed the arm he wasn't pinning down with his muzzle. It had no smell other than the smell of ice.

_I loved mince pies…_ Alucard went back to Never-Never land.

I pursed my lips as snow began to seep into my skirt.

OOOOO

"Why couldn't you find a _small_ dog!?"

_Does she ever shut up?_ Alucard shoved his head in between my hip and the recliner's arm, trying to block out the ungodly screeching. My sister was right though, even with the footrest up, his tail was still hanging off.

"I don't think so…" I pulled his head out since his cold skin was weakening the effects of the brightly burning fireplace next to us. Alucard had a nose like a wet ice cube and it didn't help that it had been shoved near my ass. He put his giant paws on my shoulders and heaved himself up from his splayed out position and into my lap. His ears tickled under my chin as he put his head on my right shoulder. "If your cold, go sit by the fire."

_Don't wanna…_ Alucard's wet nose was abruptly shoved into my neck, sniffing. He licked a tender spot behind my ear, making me shove him off my lap and onto the floor.

"You ruined your chance." I hissed, rubbing my ear. _Damn that's gross_. My family had recently made the decision to stay as far away from my dog as possible. As far as they knew, he was my only friend, and my mother had his name engraved on the shining fake-gold disk on his collar: _Harker_. I'd named him that _just_ to spite the little bastard. It was revenge for him acting like the outcome of _Rosemary's Baby._

Alucard wiggled. _But I'm __**hungry**_. He licked his own nose greedily, eyeing my neck. I self-consciously touched the collar of my sweater and pulled my English book out. His ears perked up at the sight of _King Lear_.

_My Master likes the classics, eh? Do you like Bram Stoker as well?_ Alucard let out a laugh – but to everyone who couldn't hear them in their head, it just sounded like my dog was barking out something foul (actually, it sounded more like a hyena passing a stone).

What was so funny?

OOOOO

_Alright…something smells __**really**__ bad_, I thought as a fresh wave of decaying air hit my face, inadvertently going up my nose. It smelled _horrible_, so bad that the only way for you – as the reader – to ever experience it would be to sniff a corpse that's lied on a flat rock in Death Valley for a few months.

I cracked open an eye, seeing two glowing red spheres above me – Alucard's eyes. They were like dull jewels that had been hit with radiation and now glowed in the dark. He had obviously been somewhere near Russia's uranium plants…

"You've eaten recently," I wrinkled my nose as he leaned closer, seemingly studying my face.

"Yes," Alucard's eyes showed me no affection, no lust (good, I didn't feel like being raped by my own servant), nothing. Just…this…hunger. "But I'm still hungry."

Oh _smack_.

"Don't you _dare_," I glared at him, sinking into my mattress in a ditch attempt at getting away from him. "You _can't_."

"You're right, I can't." Alucard's nose almost touched mine. His breath wasn't hot or moist like a regular human's, but cold and dry, like an Arctic breeze, or a politician's personality. His lips brushed my neck. "Without your permission."

My breath hitched as his fangs nipped at my skin, as if daring him to bite down. _No…_ I tried not to blush, since that would only decrease my chance of coming out of this alive.

"My Master," Alucard smirked, his cold, cruel hands tightening their grip to a point where they began to bruise my forearms. "I can see your thoughts because your mind is so weak with exhaustion – I have not been able to do that with any other Master of mine." _What was he getting at?_ "Do you wish for me to turn you?"

"Okay, now you're getting _way_ off track," I pushed my head deeper into the pillow, trying to get away from his penetrating gaze. "What are you saying?"

Alucard put his mouth directly next to my ear. "I can hear your suicidal thoughts. You have no barriers around your mind because you _dearly_ want people to hear your cries for help – other than that, your mind is…_quite_ intriguing."

"How…_much_ of my thoughts have you listened to?" I gritted my teeth as he flashed his own, giving me a smile that could make anyone with a weak heart go into cardiac arrest.

"Just a few strategic moments during your day," Alucard bit his absurdly long tongue in a sudden sense of hilarity only he could feel. "Like that algebra class of yours…"

I blushed. During algebra I'd gotten so bored I'd began to think about life and death, and what it would be like to be electrocuted. I mean, doctors shocked patients that were flatlining, so basically it could be like dying then reviving from the electricity, then dying again. A cycle of life and death until the stopped. The only thing that decided whether you lived or died was when it stopped. At least, that was how my mind had made it out to me, in reality it was _much_ different.

"That class was terrifyingly dull; you can't blame my depression on that one time."

"And then on the bus,"

I winced again. I'd had the sudden urge to have him slaughter the entire load just so he would stop stealing from the hospital. The teens had been unusually annoying that day, and the level of stupidity-inducing testosterone had been _way_ too high for me. The children needed the blood to live, those ignorant morons didn't _deserve_ the life they were given. Plus, Alucard would have been able to glut himself and would have _stopped_ bothering me.

"You're an evil son of a bitch," I growled.

"That's what got me stuck here in the first place." Alucard smiled the 'look what big teeth I have' smile. "Your outlook on love is quite interesting as well."

Ah yes. My idea of love came from a David Spade quote: 'One pound of grief, two cups of crap, and sprinkle on the _moxie_.' If only I'd been able to coin the phrase first. I stuck my tongue out at him and _blew_. Alucard winced as spittle hit him head on.

He moved away from me, taking the pillow next to me and wiping his face on it. _Lovely_.

"Master?" He looked at me, his attitude solemn – his _Dracula _face.

What? You thought I was _that_ stupid? He's been my servant for a few weeks, and I'd figured it out after the third day. I lived with _Dracula_ everyday, big wup. So what if the Romanian turned Brit slept under my bed? So what if I had the greatest power in the world at my disposal?

If Alucard told everyone that he was Dracula when he first met them, he'd be getting that hysterical fear from his Master that he desired so much. I'd already had my screaming fit in the school's bathrooms after I'd reread Bram Stoker in English – it was just what I needed.

"What?" I tried to ignore him.

"If I bit you, what would you become?"

I looked at him, smiling suddenly. "Are you asking whether or not I'm 'clean'?" Alucard blinked. "Are you saying you can't imagine me renting out a hotel room and bring in men just to have _utterly dirty_ sex just because I want the feel of a man between my legs?" Alucard's confident façade shed from his face like a reptile's skin. "Or do you think I am unable to do so? I am so young after all?" I flipped over, enjoying myself, and straddled him, my hands on his chest. _Good __**God,**_ _this is fun_."This is insulting, _Servant_. To think, you can't even allow me the power to control my own sexual desires in your condescending world."

I was enjoying myself so much it should have been illegal.

"_Master?"_ Alucard was squeaking – the best present anyone could have given me.

To make my point, I tapped his nose. "_Stop teasing me, __**Servant**_" I said forcefully, sneering. My dominance had been won with a simple seat-of-the-pants decision. "_Got it_?" Alucard may be a bloodthirsty, arrogant little wanker – but he had been raised as a king. Any kind of flirtatious behavior _should_ shut him up for at least a few days.

But hey, my history book may be wrong…he _was_ Dracula after all. _Ahem_.

Even though it had cost me a lot of my self-esteem, I think Alucard got my point; I was a virgin, and I could fight _dirty_.

He stopped teasing me about turning me after that.

OOOOO

Kana: The chapters just keep getting shorter and shorter and shorter. (Sniffles) I need Christmas break soooo bad, all my non-Hellsing stories are feeling neglected (watches a giant piece of paper labeled 'Yugioh' limp past, having been beaten half to death by the paper named 'Hellsing') Poor dear, look how sad it is! And I think my Alucard-muse killed my Bakura-muse and shoved him in my closet too… (Eyes closet) Poor Baku, he's already died so many times… D:

Review Responses: (THIRTY-ONE REVIEWS for THREE CHAPTERS?! HOLY SHIZNIT!)

silverXphoenix: Alucard is a mischievous bastard, isn't he? But now Fae strikes back! (Fae runs by with a bath towel on her shoulders) I think all men should be able to take off their head, so it can compensate for all their obnoxious qualities (I SO need to kill the guys at my school – they insulted _Narnia_, they must DIE)

Lunatic Pandora1: LOOK what you did to Alucard! LOOK HOW SAD HE IS NOW! (Points to a relatively content Alucard, using a blood pouch as a juice box) okay, so he's completely unfazed that you REJECTED his hugs. Anywhoo, oh GOD, GIRLYCARD! NOT GIRLYCARD! (shivers) I've read (illegal) translations of The Dawn online and Walter is the spiff, but Girlycard, she's…quite creepy. AND she reminds me WAY too much of my friend who has the same long hair and the same gun fetish (her hunting license scares me). But no, Girlycard won't be making an appearance here (but keep a few tabs on me, she might be showing up in the near future (possibly after Christmas, when I get money and some books). But I WAS debating on whether or not to do that, but I figured Fae wouldn't be able to handle the fact that Alucard is a cynical vampire pimp that could sell HIMSELF as a whore. This chapter made him TOO OCC for my tastes, so next chapter he's going to be a little wanker again.

VampireEgyptian: (sighs) Mind sending me an Alucard costume? My friends are already starting to get annoyed by me, and I want to see 1) how much they can take and 2) if my school will believe me if I say that my religion forces me to wear pimp suits before Christmas. Schro is AWESOME! He(?) (Is it a he? I duh know O.o) can be shot in the head AND insult Major without dying! Rip is cool too, since her logo (that ridiculously LONG and flamboyant piece of hair at the front of her head) is bigger than my friends! She can kill people with her amazing ability to sing show tunes and that freaky grin of hers.

Walter is only second for various reasons (no spoilers unless you've read the most recent volume). Plus he's second to ALUCARD, so that's no insult. Alucard as second is blasphemy, cause he has TWO guns.

Master of the Boot: Yes, Alucard WOULD do that ("Yo, kid, want to taste?" Kid: D: ) But Alucard is like the nagging mother everyone hates. But remember, Fae is of the same bloodline as Integra, only younger, eviler, and still contains teenage sarcasm. Rocky Horror Picture Show? Great, now I have the image of the Hellsing cast singing 'Time Warp'. Ah, constructive criticism, where far-art-thou constructive criticism? (that so didn't make sense since it means 'why is your name constructive criticism').

VampyreVixen16: (still recovering from all the capitals-of-intense-emotion) Um…I KNOW IT'S FUCKING AWESOME! X3 Sorry dear, but Fae isn't going to be a vampire – that's a tad too cliché for me (I think I would cut off my hand if I had to do that, sorry). In fact… Anyway. Seras is GONE (I think I should make that clear for all Seras fans) I've decided after much mental debate that threatened my sanity that she was killed at the same time all the others were murdered as well (think big fight between Nazis, vampires, and all the organizations. Then they were all wiped out, like the dinosaurs). Only wee little Alucard is left.

And here's a thank you to all the reviews I couldn't respond to without feeling repetitive: blackwolfgirl88, Lord Makura, little-hellsing, and Pan - The Wolf Made Of Bread (Your name is DAMN sexy, your avatar is too XD)

End Responses

If I can pull myself away from all my homework I MIGHT churn out the next chapter in a few days, but don't get your hopes up. All my homework is slowly impaling me on _Frostmourne_. Very slowly.


	5. Something Wicked This Way Comes

Kana: X3 PRESENTS! (Runs hysterically into the next room and slams against a wall)

The Best Quote Ever: "Dyslexic Devil worshippers accidentally sell their soul to Santa." – so festive, no? Satan in a Santa hat XP

My estrogen-fueled mind is trying to make this romantic, but my bloodthirsty heart says NOT AG_**AI**_N! ME WANTS BLOOD!

NOW! Everyone consult your handbooks! X3

**Disclaimer**: I OWN FAE, NO ONE ELSE. I ALSO OWN A HEAD OF HAIR WITH A LIFE OF ITS OWN (I swear, my hair does whatever it wants)

OOOOO

**Fortune**

**Chapter Five: Something Wicked This Way Comes**

OOOOO

I had Algebra first period today. I learned how to decipher the 'm' variable and the 'b' variable in a 'y equals m(x) plus/subtract b' equation. My teacher told us to create our own equation using words.

This was mine: Sanity equals Strength of Alucard's Presence (Number of Hours Spent in Presence) minus Original Sanity. Current Sanity: ERROR.

My calculator had obviously been too cheap to give me my present sanity. I suspected it was _way_ down in the negatives, since my calculator was able to go into the trillions. That was not a good sign.

He was getting - how do I put this in the most respective way possible? – a little too much like a _jackass_ for my tastes. Sure, he did what I asked of him: running my bath when I was late, keeping his hands off my uniform, keeping his hands off _me_, refraining from stalking warm-blooded creatures, and helping me conjugate verbs for my French class (he could fluently speak Spanish, French, English, German, Turkish, Polish, Romanian, Celtic, and swear in a few Asian languages. Time must drag by when you could live for eternity); but he did it with an unnecessary amount of sarcasm and condescension.

Not only was he grating on my last nerve, but I was debating on whether or not to take my father's 'special' silver-coated wooden stake and _jam_ it through his heart while he slept. All I had to do was pick the lock on its holding case and pluck it from the velvet cushion (when I say my father is _obsessed_, he _really_ is).

But I couldn't bring myself to see the 'life' fade from Alucard's eyes. I was his Master; it was just as much my job to protect him as it was for him to protect me.

OOOOO

Alucard had this habit, this _very annoying_ habit. When we sat (as Master and monster dog) on the recliner – which was the closest chair to the fire – he would put his muzzle on my right shoulder, and _lick_ my neck, making the skin pink and tender. Not only was it annoying, but he did it _after_ our little Lolita-conversation. He kept saying he was hungry.

_I was so gonna kick his ass_.

I tried rubbing Tabasco Sauce behind my ear, hoping it would make him stop. It only seemed to make the experience more enjoyable; it was probably like Mexican food to him. Then I thought wine might make him desist, but I soon figured out that I preferred the licking more than I did a drunken vampire. And garlic had no effect what-so-ever.

One day I tried wearing dangling, pure silver earrings that had never seen the light of day since I received them from my grandmother. _Bingo_. Alucard's tongue hit my skin just as the tip of an earring touched him _right_ on his leathery nose, and he recoiled so fast he fell off the chair, attracting attention as he wailed pathetically, rubbing his face all over the carpet.

That was one more point for me. But he still hasn't accepted my dominance.

What had his former Master done to gain his respect – or at least _some_ respect?

My chance came only a month after he began his servitude to me.

OOOOO

"Master? Master? Master. Master. Master. MasterMasterMasterMasterMaster!"

_Oh my __**god**__, shut __**up**_I groaned bodily into my pillow as a sharp finger jabbed me _everywhere,_ from my head to the middle of my shoulder blades to my butt and my calf, like a bee that just won't die. When I felt something greasy and _odd_ tickling under my nose I knew he had broken out the 'living hair.'

I squealed as I saw Alucard leaning over me, the room black as pitch with his eyes a bright, smoldering red. His face was hard to describe, a mix between a stalker and someone faking wonder. He'd practiced this face before. His long black hair was tickling my nose without him touching or manipulating it in any way. _Freaky_.

Once the shock ebbed away, I was able to ask – "What _time _is it?"

Alucard's creepy stalker face gave way to the comforting, obnoxious grin. "Four-thirty."

"Why the hell did you wake me up?" I hissed. My alarm wasn't due to go off until five-thirty.

"I'm _dying_, my Master." Alucard's brow knitted together, and his entire smug attitude flew the coop. He held up my father's bowie knife, usually locked securely in his nightstand. I didn't care to learn how he obtained it. "May I?"

"May you _what_?" I growled, holding my neck gently with one hand.

Alucard's mouth formed a slight pout. "You won't let me hunt; I have had nothing to eat but stale donations, and I spend most of my time out in the damned sun. Master, this may be inappropriate of me to ask, but I cannot stand to serve you in the sun without a donation of your own."

I eyed the bowie knife. Its blade was deathly sharp and gleamed as he twirled it in his fingers, never cutting himself. I thought about it…and it seemed…right.

"Alright," I strained my neck by turning my head to the side, stretching the skin. "But if you feel me beating the crap out of your gut with my fists, it means 'stop.'" I narrowed my eyes at him. "And if you bite down, _Nosferatu_ be damned, I'll kill you then wait for you to regenerate so I can kill you again. It'll be a never-ending cycle of _death_."

Alucard barely grunted a replay, for he was already pressing the knife down on my neck, breaking the skin gently, creating a small pinprick of a wound. I flinched violently, but hid it by digging my nails into my mattress. I learned his tongue was not only long, but damn _cold_.

_Oh crap, _I closed my eyes tight, sucking in air harshly through my nose as that frigid tongue licked the droplets as they oozed from my neck._ This was what he wanted from the beginning._

It took me until my mother's alarm went off at five-fifteen to realize how long he was dragging this out, drinking one drop at a time. I pushed Alucard off, his tongue still sticking out as he gave me a sour look. We had maybe thirty seconds…

"_Quick!_" I hissed, pushing him off the bed _gently_. "_Get under!_"

"_Mast -_!" He was cut off mid sentence as I shoved him forcefully under the covers, his body rejecting the surprise 'attack' even as I slammed the sheets down on him, accidentally hitting him on the nose _hard_. He yelped, covering his nose as blood dripped onto the sheets. I patted down the comforter, trying to make it look like 'Harker' was sleeping under there. It took him at least a full minute to change, and we didn't have that kind of time.

"_Shut __**up**_." I whispered one last time just as the door knob began to turn. Two more seconds…

I dove under as well, my heart slamming against my chest as I ripped the covers over my head and pretended to just be waking up; I added a fake groan as she turned the lights on for effect. Under the covers, Alucard scowled. He purposefully cracked his nose back into place with a loud and sickening sound and then laid still, fur sprouting along his pale skin. I shivered at the thought of his bones shifting places just under that skin.

"Wake up!" My mother smacked the bed with her open palm, hitting Alucard a few times. His changing bulk made her think my dog was under there – not a thing… "_Harker! Get out of the bed!"_

I froze, peeking out of the corner of my eye at Alucard. He still had too many eyes, heads, and human hands. _Damn_.

"Mum!" I muffled my horrified tone in my pillow. "He doesn't like the cold!"

As if on cue, a big, thick, leathery black nose stuck out from under the covers, a long whine accompanying it. Mum had developed a soft spot for _Harker_; Alucard found that if he wiggled around while he wagged his tail in jubilation he could make even my sister squeal and fawn over him. The irony still _burned_.

"Alright…" My mother left the room, still tittering about 'how _cute_ he was.' _Blah_, Alucard and cute don't belong in the same sentence. Maybe _wanker,_ or_, jackass_; but not _cute_.

Alucard flew out from under the covers, phasing while he was still in the air. Changing back was easy, but not as useful. He then proceeded to begin his daily ritual – the first stage was testing out new ways to wake me up.

I watched as he took out an old boom box from my closet and gave me an evil smile.

"Master, I have the impression that you detest rap…" Alucard purred.

_No…not my sister's CDs!_ I shrieked as he pressed play; _Boom_ by _Nelly_ then tried to make my ears bleed. _"Uncle! Uncle!_"

"I find it similar to the war chants of the Turkish." Alucard bit his tongue and shifted his shoulders form side to side, like a teen in the midst of a school dance.

"Are you trying to break dance?" my eyeballs stung as the image filled my head – Alucard with bling and a golden…fang. I liked the image of him as an English pimp better.

"Not really," Alucard made a face. He'd look like he was having a seizure, just like every other break dancer.

I pulled the covers over my head. "Good; you might break your hip or something."

"Are you calling me old?"

"Yup."

"If you weren't my Master I'd have to reprimand you."

"I'd let you do it anyway if I didn't think you'd throw something. I mean, you may look young, but didn't Dracula have the frame of a forty-five year old man?" I threw back my quilt.

Alucard sulked, beat again. I was getting better.

My entire world caved in at exactly six twenty eight, when I was walking to my bus.

I remember shifting my backpacks weight a little high up on my shoulder, and I could hear Alucard following me like he always did. He would drift all floaty-like in the trees, as if I couldn't see him like he was on a brand spanking new High-Def TV (with surround sound). To the untrained eye he was nothing more than a simple breeze in the trees; but to me he might as well be a severely gothic elephant romping through a forest of land mines.

Can someone say 'overly paranoid?' Thank you; now look at subject A – Alucard -, he is a perfect example. Him and all two of his guns – I figured out what the metal polisher was for when I found him fiddling with the magazine as if it was an infant. Then he licked it and the moment had been lost…_ugh_.

I nearly slipped on a patch of black ice and Alucard let out a quickly muffled howl of amusement. Flipping him the pretty bird, I straightened. He slinked back into the darkness, becoming nothing once again. But it was enough to distract both him and myself for the thing that would surly be my death.

"_Come 'ere!" _Something strong grabbed the back of my shirt, and I was hoisted into the air at an amazing rate.

For about three seconds I thought Alucard was pulling a fast one, but I looked up and found a whole new and completely unfamiliar pair of fangs in my face.

Other vampires existed; and one was trying to kill me.

OOOOO

Kana: nasty little clifty there (cackles insanely) Ah, I love Christmas; a time for waking up at six AM with your kid brother, becoming ensconced in a sea of wrapping paper, and squealing with glee as your greed reaches its peek.

Then its time for a nap after you hoard your gifts XD

Review Responses:

Master of the Boot: Hey Boot (THAT is your new name now XP), call me Kana – 'tis my OFFICIAL online nickname. My teachers are so mean T.T They overwork me. I think Alucard would look much better in Wal-Mart, its so out of place that it would be great as a plot bunny (well, now I need to go write that D: ).

VampyreVixen16: -.o Now, now, I don't take too kindly to demands (I make the demands DAMMIT). If you change the plot, the ending won't be as horrifyingly tragic as I want it to be.

…Where are you gonna get a CHAINSAW? (Wail)

KageAmaya491: Aw, thank you sweetie (Dammit, I'm turning into Ferris). The shovel thing is my personal favorite (because I still giggle about it even now, even when I reread Dracula (We love you Count! Vampire fan girls of the world UNITE to beat the FUCK out of Abraham! (insane cackle)) My order is Alucard, Walter, Schro, Pip, Seras, Girlycard, Young Walter, Captain, Major, and Rip Van Winkle (remember that ridiculously big strand of hair that stuck out of her head? Its my favorite too). No more boring, normal life for our Faerie friends (Oh God, Alucard as a Faerie (goes into a massive giggling fit)).

Lunatic Pandora1: I know, it would be worse than Chinese Water Torture, and be funnier than the outcome of a 4kids attempt to change Hellsing (that haunts my dreams at night), but I cannot fit it into the plot. I promise I'll write something similar with Integra as a one-shot, just for you :) (Girlycard: XD Integra: (dead) Walter: O.o )

silverXphoenix: Everyone seems very proud of Fae (I was sure all of you were gonna go crazy fan girl on my poor ass). Actually, he's like THE Butler, not just _a_ butler (ever read Artemis Fowl? Yes? No? WTF? Okay). Yay for planning this by the seat of your pantaloons! WHEE!

VampireEgyptian: I was just kidding Hun XD, but it's the frantic thought that counts. I KNEW IT! Now my friend owes me ten bucks cause he though Schro was a very underdeveloped girl (at least, for Hellsing. Seras on the other hand…O.O) yes, Walter is second cause he's a betraying fucker (me no like TRAITORS! And to the Nazi's! (shun) My best friends half Jewish, so the Nazi thing stops RIGHT there X.X) Even his kick ass monocle which never falls off (like Alucard's gigunda Fedora of Death – yes, the fedora WILL rape you) cannot make up for that fact. You DON'T want defiant hair, trust me (glares at hair) Damn you…damn you hair. Aie, ITPOOF (added the extra O cause it makes it better) feels unloved right now. Alucard did something to Bakura and now he won't let go of his crotch for some reason O.o I don't really want to know. Why does everyone seem to love Seras so much? Sure, her gun is awesome and I think she's funny but…(is eaten by a hoard of Seras lovers)

Mslcat: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN (XD) My eyes bleed so… David Spade is God with a blond wig on; he rocks my socks and I don't even like socks.

Also a thank you to the other reviewers who I couldn't respond to without feeling repetitive: Lord Makura, little-hellsing, Silverfox3220, and franny-o.

End Responses

Kana: LUV

This is my Christmas Present to you, now give me mine by reviewing.


	6. Of Egg Whites and Dirt

Kana: Ah, I can't wait for 2008. A few good movies are coming out (Cloverfield, Inkheart, a new Narnia movie, some good stuff) Ugh, but, just _ugh_, they're making a live-action form of DBZ (goes into cardiac arrest and dies a painful death)

**Disclaimer**: The day I own Hellsing is the day Walter comes out my ass during Algebra (just to make things interesting).

I was sitting all innocent-like, reading Hellsing, and I noticed…Zorin's tattoos say ELVIS LIVES on one page O.o I love Kouta Hirano. He made me accidentally talk with a German accent! D:

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO jealous of Fae it's not even FUNNY. PS: this STILL isn't a romantic ficcy.

OOOOO

**Fortune**

**Chapter Six: Of Egg Whites and Dirt**

OOOOO

Alucard watched a small and limber vampire dart out from behind a gathering of bushes, making sure to keep its target in sight while avoiding patches of dawn's sunlight. _**Tricky**_.

"Well damn," He smirked, trying to remember if the _Casull_ had ever felt so good in his palm. "He was a freaky little bugger."

_Now the fun part_.

OOOOO

When you see the damsel in distress beating upon her captor's back with her flimsy fists in woe and all sorts of _discomfort_ (insert girly squeal here), you think its just 'movie magic' once again changing reality.

Nope, us girls really do that when we're trapped. I always knew God was sexist; he probably programmed that into our brains.

But I didn't care if my fists were doing nothing to this guy; I was ready to _fuck_ some shit _up_.

"Let me go you stupid – _MMPH!_"

The vampire flipped me over and slammed me into the ground, my head whipping back to meet the hard, unforgiving Earth. Something broke, and sticky, warm blood began to seep out of my skull with a nasty tickling sensation. If all vampires were alike, then I had all of ten seconds to say my prayers.

"Do you know how _long_ it has taken me to find you without your _dog_ around!?" he screamed into my face, specks of spittle and pre-ingested blood hitting my cheeks. My throat closed up and refused to let me speak, so I settled for a simple shaking of my head. "A long time!"

Wow, that was a jeopardy question, right there. Yup.

"But it was so _worth_ it," The male vampire grinned and bared an entire mouthful of shark-like fangs at me. What ever happened to the simple fangs replacing the top and bottom eye teeth? I could count the scraps of flesh between the large teeth. "I finally captured a _Hellsing_ as my prize for being so patient."

It took me a few moments to realize that he wasn't going to _bite_ me; he was going to _kill_ me. All it took was time and the cold, horrible feeling of the gun pressing into my stomach.

_BANG!_

I heard two gunshots, and felt only one. The vampire's bullet veered off its course as its handler was shot directly in the head with a massive projectile. Instead of hitting me in the center of my stomach and taking out a few major organs, it hit me in the side, hopefully only causing pain and not death.

My breathing was unnaturally loud in my ears as I struggled to breathe, each lungful making the wound burn red hot. I gritted my teeth as an array of bullets fired over me, all coming from the same insane, bloodthirsty vampire – Alucard. I saw him staring down at me for a few seconds, still hitting the already dead villain each time (dead on too).

"Master?" Alucard did not drop to his knees like a sappy movie star – and if he did, and began sobbing into my shirt, I would have had to shoot myself in the head. Instead he stared down, his eyes betraying his shock. A few tendrils of shadow licked out from beneath his feet and devoured the dead vampire's body, the hand that still limply held the gun going into Alucard's gullet last (at least, I think that's where it went).

I tried to say something sarcastic, but all that came out was a _glghb_ and a bit of spittle. There was no blood in it, so my abdomen wasn't wounded. I would've sighed in relief if it wouldn't have made me cry out in pain.

"You're alright, Master," Alucard bent down and cradled me in his arms, his bloody cravat agitating my nose. I couldn't muster up the energy to complain to him about it, so I tried to find the good qualities about it; the cravat was annoyingly wet with blood but it was silky – damn I suck at that. "Allow me to take you back to your home so I may clean your wound properly." He wiped the spit from my lip with his thumb, the slaver barely staining the perfectly white cloth.

"My mum and dad have already left for work," I mumbled as Alucard walked as slowly and as carefully as he could in the forest, trying to keep me from being jostled. "You can just put me on the couch and let me bleed out."

Alucard chuckled. "It's not that serious, Master."

I scoffed weakly, my side screaming for me. "But it hurts so bad…"

"Gunshot wounds generally do," Alucard looked like he was going to go through the house instead of using the door. How was he going to do – ?

_Meep_. Never mind. An icy and slightly earthy feeling slipped through me as Alucard stepped through the back wall of our house, making me wonder how he did it with me in his arms.

Another wave of hot pain shot through me as Alucard set me on the couch, another tendril of shadows coming from his side and shielding the fabric from the steady trickle of blood coming from the wound. It felt like I was lying on a very warm water bed.

"What are you doing?" I mumbled, my vision becoming blurry as Alucard gently pulled my shirt away from the wound, exposing my tender skin up to my fifth rib (at least, I think it was my fifth rib…).

"Cleaning the wound," Alucard licked the gash, and I got the gist of the damage by feeling where his cold tongue went. The bullet had struck to the right of my stomach, crating a long, deep wound that entered at the bottom of my rib cage stretched from the front to the back, the bullet settling a few inches from my spine. He licked away the blood, even having the 'kindness' to clean the extra blood.

When it came time to remove the bullet, I was drifting off (it's _amazing_ how comforting a vampire's tongue can be after you get used to the dead sensation). But the pain increased ten fold when Alucard stuck two thin, gloved fingers into the wound. I almost screamed, but he stuck something white and soft into my mouth for me to bite down on. When he finally pulled the bullet out, I found out that I was biting down on his index finger - _hard_.

"_Hmm_, thirty-three millimeter round…iron casing, gunpowder…" He tucked it in his pocket (maybe the blood-covered bullet would be like a sucking candy for him). "Not a big deal; nothing some gauze and a bit of salve couldn't take care of."

During the ten seconds he left to get the required products, I tried to stay alive. I was probably being nothing more than a big drama queen about this – but _damn_ it hurt.

The salve was almost as cold as Alucard's tongue, but it felt better. He carefully layered the wound with the cool, numbing cream, then padded it with a thick gauze pad, and finally wrapped a long bandage around my side and stomach. It was a bit choppy, but better than slapping a band-aid on it and telling me to walk it off.

"I'm a bit rusty," Alucard grumbled. "But I guess that's normal for someone who has no need for such a talent."

"Yeah, right," I tried to sit up, but the pain in my side increased horribly, making me grit my teeth and lie back down. "_Dammit_."

For once he didn't correct my 'language' and allowed me to swear my heart out as he leaned over me. "Would you care for tea?" Alucard was actually acting like a regular servant? And willingly? Hell hasn't frozen over yet, but it has a snow cone machine.

I nodded weakly, feeling quite pale. "Mum hides the Earl Grey in a cupboard above the fridge."

Alucard walked away chuckling. "My Master drinks Earl Grey -." He murmured, amused. "I think she's a cliché."

"What are you rambling about?" I snapped, making him quicken his pace.

OOOOO

Ten minutes later and I was in a watery, melty Heaven. You shouldn't know this, but Earl Grey was my secret passion (right up there with plotting the theft of Alucard's fedora and dying his hair a bright, florescent orange in his sleep).

Alucard had this unusual way of sitting. He would lean back and slouch; he was probably trying to keep himself from ingesting his knees since his legs were so long.

"What if I tell them I'd missed my bus?" I said.

Alucard shook his head. "No good, you would have walked to school like you do in the afternoon."

"Right," I took another sip, purposefully scalding my tongue and throat. "What if I tell them I'm sick?"

"_Hmmm_," Alucard placed the back of his frigid hand on my forehead. "You are abnormally warm from -." He stopped mid-sentence, catching himself.

"From _what_?" My tea caught in my throat. _What did he __**do**_?

Alucard didn't tell me until I took the silver spoon in my tea and pressed it mercilessly to his uncovered hand. "_Alright! Alright! I put a few drops of my blood into your tea!_"

The thick coffee mug shattered into a million, billion pieces just as my heart did the same –though the latter dropped into my shoes. Alucard knew he was in deep shit as my face reddened, paled, and then just gave up on colors and became a solid white.

"_**WHAT!?**_" The only thoughts I had at the moment were _kill_. I made a move to grab him around the neck, but Alucard got to me first, carefully but firmly pushing me back down. My side was protesting again, and it was threatening to bleed through the gauze. "You're trying to _turn me_!"

"No, I -!"

"I know how it works!" I screeched, practically seeing red. "If you turn me then you're _my_ master! You'd be free!"

Alucard slapped his hand over my mouth, the last of my angry rant dissolving into an echo. "It would be impossible for me to do such a thing. I cannot cause any member of the Hellsing family harm without their permission without harm coming to myself. I was only thinking of the good that could come from this."

"And the good being…?" I added a bit of a pause. "Oh, right; you'd have another bride – _Dracula!_"

"That is not a nice thing to say…" Alucard pouted, making me want to gouge out my Mind's Eye.

"Since when is anything we say to each other nice?" I asked, glaring up at him. Come to think of it, I felt odd. Not…bad or sick, just _odd_. I didn't feel cold, but overly hot – his blood was giving me a fever instead of killing me.

"Master, you need to learn to trust me," Alucard had somehow managed to civilly obtain a damp washcloth, placing it upon my forehead. "How else can I protect you?"

_What about you? Who protects you?_ I blinked. "Today – what if he shot you too?"

Alucard cocked his head in curiosity. My face flare up – I could almost hear his thoughts: _She's thinking about __**me**_Ugh. "I can't get hurt. I have fun."

"But what if you _were_ hurt?"

"That's the fun part."

OOOOO

My thoughts as I woke maybe two hours later:

_1) I left Alucard alone in my house for an unknown amount of time._

_2) I left a potentially rabid Nosferatu alone in the world for an unknown amount of time; an unknown amount of innocents may be dead. _

_3) I smell eggs._

"Master…" Alucard was above me – at least, by the sound of his voice. "Master, I known your awake – you've stopped snoring."

I scrunched my face and stuck out my tongue, shoving a throw pillow over my face. "_Meh!_"

"But Master," Alucard pulled the pillow away, shoving something familiar in my face. "I found breakfast."

I looked at it. "Where'd you learn to cook eggs?"

"I have _no_ idea," Alucard looked at the fried eggs in confusion. "I guess I just picked it up."

Studying the plate, I realized we didn't own a pattern like that. "The fact that you stole these from our neighbors helps."

"Well, one should know that leaving anything cooling on the windowsill will taunt the neighborhood dog…"

I looked at it. The yolk was slightly burnt, _ick_.

"No thanks," I don't like eggs. The yoke is runny, and so are the whites. Plus, it's a damn chicken _embryo_. "You eat it."

"Alright," Alucard picked up the plate and in the blink of an eye (literally) he had swallowed both eggs whole. A shiver ran down his spine. "_Damn_ that's unpleasant."

"I thought you couldn't eat real food?" I clicked my molars in amusement.

"Who says blood isn't real food?" Alucard cleared his throat. "Besides, haven't you ever eaten dirt?" he opened his mouth unnaturally wide, exposing a crap load of sharp, vampire teeth. He reached his index finger back and dislodged a clump of egg white. "These teeth were not made for solid food."

"Yes," I smirked.

"Really?"

"I got fifty bucks out of it too."

OOOOO

Kana: I got my new _Dracula_ copy for Christmas (I haven't been able to read it for a few months since it fell apart). Expect some one-shots.

Review Responses:

Master of the Boot: Can I call you Booty? The Bootster? Boot-shika-laka-laka? Booty-Booty-Shiskam-Tooty? (WTF?) Anyway, Alucard's presence will be revealed to the family soon, with disastrous results. Even though you think their relationship is developed, I don't want to risk turning Fae into a dreaded Marry Sue (Shivers) And romance only increases that.

I think you're one of the few people here that actually speaks proper.

Monkey Pies: Really? I'm glad you think that; I was trying extremely hard to make this original.

VampyreVixen16: I WILL NOT TURN SOMEONE; AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME. No threats, no demands, I don't take to kindly to being pushed around – don't make me take down this story. Thank you for reviewing, but stop telling me to do things.

VampireEgyptian: NEVAH! The monocle will never be as good as the fedora! The fedora is floppy and TOTALLY ruins Alucard's 'evil-bad-ass-two-gun-having-w/-living-hair' look. Plus I can eat souls. But none of those even stand a chance against Seras' Boobs of Death (giggles uncontrollably). You're explanation amused my friend – who first created the explanation that she inflated them like two beach balls behind the scenes.

Clown Killer Mitchell: Sorry, Fae seems very reluctant to give him back. Through America _is_ in a bit of a withdrawal (we never get him here, you know? All we have is stupidity and the Spears family (dies) I hate my country so). Thank you so much – I've been so worried this was like a clone of everything else (I've had bad experiences with OCs) (Hugs)

Lunatic Pandora1: Alucard always uses his _guns_, we just don't know about it ;)

And right now I'm too lazy to copy and paste any more names so a big thank you to everyone else who reviewed and who I can't respond to without feeling repetitive (hugs all you other reviewers)

End Responses

REVIEW PLZ (God I hate leet speak)


	7. Oil

Kana: Chapter Seven…oi…(dies)

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Hellsing. Sue, and you will lose due to lack of evidence. (Insert crazy cackling)

OOOOO

**Fortune**

**Chapter Seven: Oil**

OOOOO

"Oh sure, you'll eat soup with questionable ingredients, but not eggs."

Stirring my chicken soup, I glanced at the digital clock one more time. I had three more hours until my mother came home from working as a temp at an agency – I'll give you three guesses to what it specializes in, and the first two don't count. _Paranormal Studie_s, damn you're getting good. And my Father's the assistant head.

"Oh shut up," I frowned, my stomach protesting. Right about now I could go for even the disgusting chicken nuggets at school. Or anything meat really.

_I'm going to __**murder**__ Alucard._ I thought, making my sudden carnivore attitude settle down. Trying to reject the feeling, I took a sip of the soup, but I doubted it was his blood in my stomach making me gag at the horrid taste. "Oh that's just _sick_. This thing got approved by the FDA?"

I flipped the plastic lid on the garbage bin and sloppily dumped the pan of soup into it, making a face at the nasty sucking noise it made. Alucard looked surprisingly amused at this, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from chuckling. "You seem annoyed; why?"

My frown deepened to a full-blown scowl. So what if my wound had healed in less than an hour? Who cares if he had saved my life? I didn't – Why? Because I still had vampire blood in my system, possibly for a great while, and it was giving me a fever. "Oh shut up and go sleep."

"As you wish," Alucard _floated_ away – all _Dracula_-like – and up the stairs. I heard him…_float_ across my bedroom floor and into his coffin, phasing through the bed.

"Damn he's creepy…" I shivered and went to the freezer, pulling out a pint of ice cream. I took out a giant spoon and began my breakfast. "Good help is so short these days."

So what? I was hungry and had a fever; leave me alone.

OOOOO

My mother's attitude after I told her my lie was cold, as if she could smell deceit on me. But this had no effect on me; my parents had not given me an ounce of trust since my thirteenth birthday, when they had finally known my cynicism to their vampire obsession. I still had that sarcasm, although I have proof that the creatures live.

I yawned and pulled my coat tighter around me, hearing Alucard's coat whip about him as the wind howled at us, blowing cold, big flakes of snow in our faces. They seemed to dissipate before hitting either Alucard or myself, and I could still strangely see farther than the little amount of cars that came slinking down the whited-out road.

"How can your parents truly love you if they send you out in this sort of blizzard?" Alucard commented as I shivered violently, stepping closer. "Do they not care for your health?"

I bit my tongue, trying to make my teeth stop chattering long enough to speak. "They had no idea it would get this bad," Alucard stepped in front of me, using his coat as a sort of cape and shielding me from further barraging from the wind. "But they will get pissed if I don't find her before nightfall." His hat disappeared in a cloud of darkness, leaving only his cropped hair blowing back.

"It is your sister's own fault she did not bring a phone with her," Alucard snorted indifferently, looking at me over his shoulder. "Let her freeze to death."

"She won't freeze at a social," I said, _though I probably will here_. "It's in a house."

"Then why bother?"

I smirked. "Because she didn't tell my parents she was going – she's so fucked." I rubbed my hands together, though it was more of an attempt to warm them than look like a cheesy evil villain (like Alucard).

"What's so satisfactory about seeing your sibling struck down in the battle of life?" Alucard's coat flared up again, showing me a gun secured to his hip. The other he kept somewhere else.

"What's so satisfactory about using war references every other sentence?" I snickered. "You're like my uncle – '_Now kids! We're going out to dinner! Make sure the waiter doesn't pull a mortar shell from his jacket – I don't trust the Americans!'"_

The vampire harrumphed and turned around, still keeping his coat in front of me. My brief fun was lost as we finally found the house – it was hard to miss, with the ground practically shaking from the music, even outside on the sidewalk. The faint smell of booze was apparent too; she was _screwed_.

When I knocked at the door, I did not realize Alucard was still standing behind me until the very last moment, when a burly senior I'd only seen performing bouncing duties indiscriminately in the cafeteria opened the door and stared behind me instead of at me. Alucard snarled back, effectively turning his attention to me.

"_What?"_

I resisted the urge to squeak like a rabbit and stood taller, practically feeling of hatred between him and the thing behind me, and thought of an effective lie. "I live here!" I screamed in mock horror, making him double back, looking at me like I had two heads – each one having a cell phone that was calling the cops. After a moment of trying to figure out whether or not I did in fact live there, he ran inside, giving us entry.

"Dumb ass," I muttered, stepping into a house that was going to have the smoke and booze smell in it for quite a while.

Alucard cocked his head ever so slightly at the party. "Is this what you do for entertainment?" He fit right in with his flamboyant pimp coat – people were going to think he supplied the lap dancers I saw in a dark corner.

"Not me, I prefer to stay sober most of the time," I heard the ever familiar chant of 'chug' and stayed away from the kitchen in case a sea of vomit came at me. "Plus they usually smell funny."

"Fae!" I suddenly found myself engulfed in the angry whirlwind called Sibling – category five – which began hitting me with tiny fists. "What are you doing here? You're too young!"

I flinched away from her mouth. "So are you; I smell the beer you drank."

My sister breathed into her hand and smelled it, wincing as I had. "Ugh, what are you doing here?"

"Mum and dad are pissed cause you told them you went to the library, but then one of your friends told them you went to this rave -."

"Who's that?" She cut me off, looking over my shoulder. I turned around and stared the true, unadulterated, utter horror and shame.

Alucard was latched onto some girl (who looked like she was _enjoying_ it). To my sister it looked like he was kissing her neck, but I knew better; he was sinking all those horrid fangs into her skin, drinking his fill. No one else had noticed him, since other equally disturbing things were going on around him in the 'Happy Corner.'

She turned away before I could cover my mouth in terror, hearing his hungry growl over the shattering boom of the music. I muffled my scream of frustration and bit my lip before running over, taking the nearest weapon – which turned out to be an empty beer bottle – and flung it at his bowed head. It hit the side of his head with slight inaccuracy, and burst into a rain of brown glass and leftover booze. He snapped out of his trance, staring at me with his mouth soiled with blood, licking his chops like a damned dog.

I shoved him harshly as he dropped the girl, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. She fell dead to the ground. "What are you doing?!" To me and everyone within ten feet who was sober and not deaf from the music, my voice was a mixture of horror and rage; to everyone else, it looked as if I was kicking his ass for 'kissing' another girl. Oh _GOD_.

He stammered softly, so I had a hard time making anything out. My palm instantly found his cheek with a sharp _slap_, making his usual stoic attitude fall back into place.

"You're an idiot!" I shrieked, the music swallowing most of my voice. "Drinking in front of people, and my sister to boot! How stupid do you get!?"

"Forgive my insolence, Master." Alucard gave a bow, his face solemn. You could almost hear his harsh attitude wiz out of his head.

I sighed, pointing at the door. "Go, I'll get my sister."

He bowed once more, and slid from the room. I looked down at the girl, disgusted at the way he had practically tore her head from her body. I turned to my sister, who figured she had just passed out. 

"Is that a new boyfriend of yours?" She asked casually, nudging me with her elbow teasingly.

"No," I practically vomited at the thought. "He's just a friend -."

"Who's a boy." She cut in as I led both of us out of the nasty-ass party. "And you…have sex?" She made a circling gesture with her hands.

"Oh good God no." I gagged visibly, stepping into the white-out. I palmed my face, stretching my cheeks until it hurt. "He's just a friend."

"A pretty _old_ friend," She said, looking at Alucard standing close by, facing the wind so he took the full frontal assault of snow and numbing cold. He looked like a dog that had just been beaten and was now licking its wounds. "Is he in college?"

"Sort of…" How did one tell their sister that 'hey, guess what, my servant is an infamous vampire king and he's been sleeping under my bed and drinking my blood.' Yeah, that'll go over well – right after they perform an exorcist over me and press holy wafers to my forehead they'll stab him a few times and bury him under a church. "He's the new exchange kid at school." I grabbed an excuse from thin air and groaned mentally.

_Master?_ Alucard felt my anxiety – I guess I was 'calling out for help' again – and responded. We had no kind of 'telepathic connection', but he could speak without moving his mouth, and only I could hear it (confusing? Yes. Reliable? Yes. Freaky? Definitely).

_Act…Romanian…_I blushed slightly. I was going to pay for this later…

As usual, anything that breathed, stood upright, and had testosterone was free-game for my sister, so she instantly was interested in Alucard. "What's your name?"

My heart skipped a beat, but melted into a puddle of relaxed goo when he responded accordingly.

"_Numele meu este Vlad."_

I could have passed out then kissed him. He sounded like he was one of those poor exchange students that got shoved in their own lockers. Perfect. If we ever got out of this alive, I was handing him over to Tim Burton.

There was only one problem with my plan; my sister was a sucker for 'cute foreigners.' Alucard instantly found himself with a new appendage hanging off his neck.

"_Ajutor."_ He whimpered, reaching out to me dramatically. I giggled and collapsed onto the ground, reduced to fits of hilarity.

By the time the screaming from the house began, we were _almost_ to the sidewalk. Any farther and we would have been able to dismiss it easily – but within this range, you could hear them dying inside that house. My sister had gone up ahead and into her car, leaving us behind.

"What did you _do?_" I hissed through my teeth as the wind brought the sounds closer.

"I didn't finish the job," Alucard visibly winced. "I should have known that none of them were actual virgins."

The truth hit me so fast it knocked the wind out of me (or maybe that was just me holding my breath). _They were all deflowered, and Alucard bit one of them_. I struggled to breathe, my lungs refusing to work.

"Go in there and shoot them then!" I screamed, pointing at the house as more screams erupted; wails of the living, dead, and dying. My heart practically gave out as a splatter of blood splashed across a window on the top floor, accompanied by a hand, _just_ a hand. My knees buckled and I tumbled into the snow while Alucard bowed and floated once again towards the house, going into it.

My vision grew blurry as I refused to blink until I heard the gun shots. But I never did – all I remember was smelling the strong stench of gasoline and then the house went up in flames.

No scream left my mouth, just a whimper of fear when bodies began piling up at the windows, groaning and oozing and trying to get out. Not all of them were ghouls – some were still human, with blood running down their skulls as they sobbed. The last thing they saw was me, waving weakly in the last goodbye they would ever get.

Alucard came out after a moment, rubbing soot off his glasses.

"Why didn't you just shoot them?" I sniffled, staring at the ground and rejecting the hand he held out for me.

"The bodies would have been found," Alucard said. "And besides, it is very annoying to kill a ghoul without first killing is creator."

I let him carry me again, for the second time in a very short while.

OOOOO

Kana: (is currently dead from overwork) I have too many stories going to really have any energy left for notes.

Review Responses:

Lunatic Pandora1: Hmm, I didn't have a lot of fun with the blood thing T.T

Monkey Pies: That's the only part about Fae that I really approve of, though its cynicism, not sarcasm (maybe a little sarcasm). Let us hunt for the fedora together (though I can't guarantee that my friend won't join us, since I owe him for getting me into Hellsing) It TAUNTS you?

silverXphoenix: I doubt that he'll be able to have fun with them once they learn of him. Now its no longer crazy weird things going on between them, now the plot is coming into play. (Sorry hun, no Seras here. Other stories though, don't worry, other stories)

Black Fang 02: Oh sweetie, if your days are THAT boring I think you might need some professional help, my stuff isn't THAT good (though now you're inflating my ego, and that is never good). Don't worry though, I enjoy writing Hellsing stuff, and more will be popping up. I've read your stories, and I find them quite enjoyable (though you should spend more time on each chapter) LUV

Master of the Boot: YAY SOPRANOS! (has image of a boot waving a gun around) X3 A Mary Sue is a girl who's perfect in an incredibly annoying way, and usually making her get the guy only increases that. Alucard is nice in a left-handed sort of way, like the cat that gives you a dead animal for a present. You HATE the fedora? (whimpers before crawling into a corner and dying) Of course it makes him look gay, because he IS gay. If there was any t-shirt in the world that summed him up, it would be one that said 'sorry girls, I'm gay.'

VampireEgyptian: I KNOW. I saw the Ink heart trailer online and I nearly cried in joy (though I hope to god they don't kill it) I love it when my favorite books become movies (Like Maximum Ride, or the Temeraire series) Hmm, both items are equally fun, but I still say yes to the fedora – since I have a grudge against glasses, and the monocle wouldn't help.

VampyreVixen16: You're getting better, but I'm still not turning anyone or bringing back Seras. If I do that then the whole plot would be ruined, and the story would never be as good as I hoped. I won't change it just to make you happy. Thank you (walks off stage)

And one again, a big thank you to all those who reviews were too short for me to respond to without feeling repetitive (Don't worry, its not like I don't care about your review – I love all of my reviewers and I always note when someone has reviewed more than once (hug))

End Responses

Review and keep the crazy Englishmen away from me.


	8. Borgo Pass and Other Evils

Kana: I'm sure that one day, my head is gonna go 'splody. I've been listening to _Three Days Grace_ lately, and it's helped me with my chapters. Its all Hellsing-y: _Let's start a riot!_ Anywhoo… I just keep making really bad _Dracula_ references in the chapter titles, don't I? Oh but I love it so, and the Count is my Brad Pitt.

Have you ever read so much manga in one period that you have a bout of afterimages?

**Disclaimer:** I'm running out of sarcastic ways to say 'I don't own Hellsing.' Here's one: If you're not smart enough to realize that 'fan' fiction means it's written by a _fan_ that makes no money off it, then you'll never win in court.

OOOOO

**Fortune**

**Chapter Eight: Borgo Pass and Other Evils**

OOOOO

Alucard carried me home faster than I could have ever walked, and got me into my room before my parents could even check to see why the front door opened. He set me down on my bed and fetched a washcloth, soaking it with searing hot water and rubbing the smoke from my cheeks while defrosting my face as well. He dried my skin with his spotless cravat.

"Master, please move," He said when I kept staring at a spot on the ceiling. "You're beginning to make me think I might have to string you up like a marionette."

My mouth quivered, but did not move. Alucard's eyes narrowed slightly.

"I'm sorry Master about the humans, but your silence won't bring back what is dead." He ran the washcloth over my neck and collar bone to get rid of the slight specks of blood that had amazingly made it a full five yards from the house and onto me.

"They shouldn't be dead," I whispered finally, craning my head to the side to let him reach the back. It felt oddly soothing. So _this_ is why he has not been killed by a rabid Master; he can use his _hands_. "You're horrible; if only I let you hunt…"

"Well, I can't object to allowing me to feed," Alucard found the healthy pieces of hair just behind my ears and twirled them, letting me put my head in his lap. "But she wanted me to do so – I am not allowed to object to any healthy human's wishes unless you tell me to."

"And she wanted to die so horribly?" I reached for a pillow and pulled it over my face. How could I ever forgive myself? Was I to spend the rest of my life in completely self-loathing until I died?

"Actually," Alucard tried to take the pillow off, but I shooed his hand away. He was welcome to suffocate me with it though. "She asked me to."

I peeked out a bit. "She wanted to die a horrible and painful death?" _Hmm…_ You could almost hear the light bulb go off in my head.

"It's not as bad as you make it out to be," Alucard ran his fingers over my neck slowly, a trail of gooseflesh following in their wake. "It is a mix of euphoria and bliss," He was staring directly at me now.

"Let me feel it then," I did not trust my own decisions, but it could not help myself – with so many dead from my hand, this was worse than death. I pulled down my jumper's collar, exposing more of my neck.

Alucard's face portrayed shock and more than a little excitement. "But Master, I cannot oblige this – you are not in your right mind -."

I cut him off by reaching up and grabbing his hair, pulling him down until he reached the 'point of no return' about an inch from my neck. "Bite me dammit,"

"No!" Alucard struggled away, sinking his fangs into his arm instead. He shook his head wildly in the most emotional way I'd ever seen. "No, no, no, no! I cannot! I cannot!" his voice was muffled in an almost comical way.

My eyes widened as he dissolved into a mass of bats, shooting under the bed in a flurry of wings and shrieks. "Alucard?" With my fit of depression gone, I leaned over the side of the bed, looking under. All I could hear was a tiny voice saying 'I do not sup' in the coffin.

_Great, I made Dracula __**sad**_, I sighed, flipping my head back so I kept myself from looking like Cousin It with highlights. A few strands still flopped in front of my face. _He has serious issues with the matter of turning. Or maybe it is under the terms of his seals? Perhaps…_

_Now how was I going to tell him that he had to go to school now?_

OOOOO

_Master? Count?_

_My Master is here at last._

OOOOO

You'd be _amazed_ by how much personal space one got when they boarded a bus with a tall, slim 'teenager' who looked like he had been created by Bram Stoker. Too bad they did not know that in reality, he kind of _was_. They would all be hanging out of the windows, which would be extremely amusing.

"Master," Alucard pushed his sunglasses up with his middle finger. "Perhaps this matter could be looked upon as a blessing, and not a curse." He yawned again, exposing once more his profusely sharp teeth and rubbed a bright red eye.

I refused to unstick my forehead from the cold, dewy-wet glass of the window. "Oh shut up, how can this be any better than having torture inflicted upon me? Not only did we have to leave one of your familiars at my house so substitute as you, but now I have to spend another six hours with you." I poked him in the arm. "And take of your hat; it's against the dress code."

"I doubt that they'll mind once we get there, but as you wish," He took off the fedora, and put it on my head. "Here, present."

"Thanks." I found it hard to see through the hat's brim. "How do you see with this thing on?"

Alucard snorted as I lifted the hat off, and showed me his tongue. A large eye was wavering on the dark pinkish muscle, and it blinked at me. I was used to his antics, so I held back my scream of horror easily, and gave the eye a blank stare.

"Hello, I'm Fae," I told the eye. "Could you go away now?"

Chuckling, Alucard put his tongue-eye away, and fixed his cravat. I had caved slightly on his outfit, and let him wear something akin to the school's male uniform of a dark, informal suit; instead he had on his usual outfit, except the pimp jacket had been substituted with one of my father's tailcoats.

"Alright, let's lay down the law," I gripped his hand, digging my nails into the flesh. "You will do your thing with the staff to make them think you're the new exchange student, you will not feed on people, freak them out, or try to get some new brides. There will be no transforming, and I swear if you kill someone for 'the sake of Master's dignity' I will stuff you in a giant garlic clove full of holy water, bake you at three-fifty and serve you to the Roman Catholics."

Still laughing to himself, Alucard nodded. "Yes Master; though I don't see the point in this other than allowing me to protect you every minute of the day."

I shivered. "Don't remind me. Besides, my sister's not as dumb as she leads people out to be. She'd definitely notice if her new love interest didn't show up at school like I said you would."

"Is everyone always attracted to the 'exchange student?'" Alucard added a bit of an accent to the last few words, striking a slightly dramatic pose. His English accent was just something that had been built up over time, in reality, Dracula was Romanian.

I looked into my palms and found that the hat was gone. Out of pure fear I rubbed my hands on my pants, as if trying to get something disgusting off.

OOOOO

We arrived at the school early, and everyone was avoiding the office for some reason – possibly Alucard's doing. With a suave air about him he swished into the main office and proceeded to brainwash the entire staff, from the principle right down to the assistant janitor. When inquired about it, he seemed to refer to it as a 'sex beam' with a fond tone in his voice. Odd…

Not one teacher seemed to notice him anymore than they did the other students (which was the bare minimal of what the government required); even though he was taller than the half of the basketball team that wasn't on steroids, was thinner than most of the self-conscious cheerleaders, and did not seem to remember that the school did not support exchange programs.

Actually, _no_ one noticed him. When someone came too close they simply shook their head and walked away in the opposite direction, a dazed look to them as they teetered away. The hoard of girls that would have been trying to get into his pants was absent, and any guy that would have tried to shove an exchange student into their locker any other time avoided us like Black Death. If only every poor student had his powers, more Bill Gates' would have survived past sophomore year…

But back to _my_ torment –

Our cafeteria seats three hundred students at best, and the last time we sat still long enough to be counted (metaphorically of course) our school had a healthy population of two thousand and change; not counting the handful of people that would one day – sometime in the near future – drop out. This is why I had my lunch block second period, at the ripe time of nine-thirty. It did not even have the dignity to be called _brunch_.

My…_brunch_ today was a nice selection of cold sushi from two weeks ago, hot chicken soup in a thermos, and Alucard's _snack_. The only reason I'd agreed to let him pour blood into one of my mother's worshiped Tupperware tubs was because 1) I did _not_ feel like revisiting last night's 'happy' Kodak moment, and 2) the donation sacks were a bit too obvious.

We sat in the 'critical zone' of the cafeteria, where the windows were forever rusted open. During the summer this was the hot spot that only the kids that beat up other kids could sit at, but during the winter it was barren. Once some guy was given fifty bucks to sit here for a week during January; he still has the sniffles from his bout of pneumonia.

Alucard took the full brunt of the freezing chill for me as my toes curled painfully in my sneakers. A few gossipy whispers flowed through each table about his past, but he seemed perfectly able to sit quietly and eat his blood – which was now known as 'tomato soup' – with a spoon like a good vampire. Only once did I have to scold him weakly for hacking something foul a good ten feet into the ear of a nearby boy, who seemed to find it funny saying _Vlad_, as if to get his attention. The boy squealed in a perfect rendition of a five year old girl and wiped his ear. No one dared to come within earshot of us again.

Without his hat on, I wondered silently where he put his hair. I know I had seen him with waist long black hair more than once, but here he was sporting an odd masculine pixie cut. I did not want to know.

"Why does your town allow its schools to grow into such a sad state?" Alucard asked as another gust of wind sent me into a fit of uncontrollable shivering.

"Because assholes treat new schools like crap, so they don't bother." I rubbed my hands along my thermos to grab at the last remaining hints of warmth. The knuckles were still numb even after being shoved under my arms. Dammit, why can't my vampire servant at least give off a _little_ body heat?

"Hmm," Alucard raised his hands and gripped the rusty window, and slid it back into place as if it was butter. I was instantly relieved of the biting cold.

"How'd you do that?" I gasped as he did the same with the other two windows.

"Well, if you were cold, why not close the windows?" Alucard said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. I didn't have the heart to tell him that not even five football players had been able to move those windows an inch.

This day was _odd_.

OOOOO

_Flies to spiders, spiders to sparrows –_

_Sparrows to kittens. They never gave me a kitten; how could they have refused me a kitten?_

_Master, I am here, I serve only you, but I have waited so, so long. But I knew, I knew that you would never leave me._

OOOOO

"I can't _believe_ you got into a fight with the history teacher." I banged my head against the desk as the noisy din of the library filled my head.

"These textbooks are completely inaccurate," Alucard said haughtily, poking my paperbound book in distain. "Don't you know that all wars are written by the winners – of course they make it look like England was the villain during America's revolution, and Bonaparte was a brilliant man, not a tyrant."

"Well, not everyone has the opportunity of _being there_ when all this happened." I snuffled loudly, wiping my nose on my sleeve in the absence of a tissue. "Dammit, someone sprayed freaking perfume in here."

"How'd you know?" Alucard sniffed around, eventually finding the source of what he'd probably been smelling for the better part of an hour. A table of girls who were liberally spraying each other like they were addicted was the obvious culprit.

"Because I'm allergic to some of the chemicals in most brands." I said thickly, taking out a stiff piece of loose-leaf paper and blowing my nose. It took me a few more seconds before I realized it was my French homework. "_Bugger_." I took out another piece to rewrite it.

For some reason, even though he had the same classes as me, Alucard had _no_ homework. In fact, all he did during the classes was sit _really_ close to me and glare at anyone who looked at me sideways. When he was asked a question, he put on this 'I'm _completely_ innocent and I have _never_ impaled someone through their arse' look and went '_cît?_' He was like a creampuff where the cream-filling had gone sour; cute and cuddly on the outside, but nasty on the inside, with the power to capsize you for hours on end.

I pulled three pieces of candy corn out of my jeans' pocket – _jackpot_ – and popped them into my mouth as a snack. But to my distain, my stuffed nose deadened the taste. "Ick -."

"_Shit!_" Alucard suddenly rammed into me, knocking me out of my chair just as a hellish mass of screeching _something_ hurled itself where I had been sitting. The table tipped over, and a spray of glass tinkled to the floor from the windows on the ceiling. Screams burst forth from the cloud of dust, but when it settled, all was gravely silent.

Alucard frantically looked around, obviously not accustomed to being taken by surprise. Actually, he did not_ look_ surprised; if anything, he was _furious_ in the most frighteningly way. My heart thundered in my chest from the shock from the initial crash, and fear from his face – his eyes were practically _glowing_ in rage, with the same flaring nostrils as I always imagined Dracula having, accompanied with his short temper, that is. But I had never seen Alucard angry before, and he seemed so calm all the time that I had begun to doubt his claims.

My chest heaved heavily as he guarded me again when another shower of wood splinters hit us, and something struck his back. Alucard jumped to his feet and whipped around with unnatural speed, and grabbed the assaulter by the throat. A sudden look of shock/utter, complete,_ deadly_ rage crossed his face.

"_**YOU!**_" He gasped angrily, looking at the man before us. He was thin, and would have been sallow if not for the fact that he was just as white as Alucard, but older, like a grandfather, with graying hair and the expression of a gleeful child.

"Master!" he went to embrace Alucard, as if they were old brothers, but was shot once, twice, three times in his stomach with the massive black handgun he always fondled. It gave off a bang not even a silencer could have muffled.

"Who the hell is that!?" I whispered frantically as the man went down, squealing in joy as if Alucard had just tweaked his nose and treated him like a son.

"I thought you read _Dracula_?" Alucard hissed back.

I tried to recall if anyone had ever called Dracula their Master besides his brides (I swear he was a polygamist bastard). Then it hit me as I heard the man laugh –

"You mean the insane sociopath who cultivated _flies_ with sugar cubes" I shrieked when Alucard jammed another few bullets into _Renfield's _head. How could I forget the crazy son of a bitch? Every time I saw a fly I jumped because I figured he'd be close behind, sweet talking it. "I thought you snapped his neck?"

"That damn book is full of _lies_!"

OOOOO

Alucard: …The authoress is _dead_ from all the reviews! Look at her!

Kana: Save…the…big cats…

Alucard: Random cause…

Kana: HA! Everyone is mad at you now! Bad vampire! Bad! (shoves his nose into a dead body and holds it there until the lesson has been learned) What? Don't you do this when your dog uses the house as a loo?

Review Responses: HO-LY SHIT! O.O O.O O.o

franny-o: I did? I used an internet translator and my minimal amount of knowledge from Vlad Dracula III (yes, that III was necessary).

KeidaHattori: I am? Why? (hug) I scare a lot of people – as most of my school knows. 'I make old people die faster.'

Leahcar: Let's play the 'watch Kana-kun's ego swell' game! (applauds self)

Mslcat: X3 Never snack children! It leads to bad things and a ruined appetite!

Black Fang 02: 'Tis alright sweetie (pats) I do the exact SAME thing, only in phases for each anime. When I read sucky fan fictions I just say '_PFFT'_ and walk away. I'm glad my story didn't make you become enraged (…Lets do the Time Warp again!...Sorry)

Master of the Boot: (still holding Alucard's nose in a corpse) He's a very bad Nosferatu, aren't you? (Alucard: blood is going up my nose) DEAL WITH IT! Anywhoosle, I love a Romanian Alucard (since, a battle clad him is six feet of pure sex), and I think his English accent was just built up over time from being around all the…Englishmen (or maybe I'm just a loser for only watching the dub – but why not? It seems perfectly fine and I LOVE Freeman). YAY! I'm Scottish – with the evilly auburn curly hair too boot. Sorry, no ex-Iscariot people; in fact, this only has one or two chapters to go. I'm not a big Catholic fan T-T

Lunatic Pandora1: of course Alucard can control his own ghouls – but Fae would have HATED having so many around. Besides, he can't refuse an order to kill them.

VampireEgyptian: Ah yes, our beloved Dustfinger – who has no dust on his fingers! O.o (sniffle) NO! Don't hunt down Temeraire! It's a wonderful fantasy series set in the Napoleon era, only with dragons. I love it more than puppies. You should pitch your idea for the movie, I'd go to it (and bring my entire family; even my baby cousins) D: Where is the imitation hat!? I must find it and STEAL it! Screw the money!

Night: I am currently scolding Alucard for being a bad vampire (shoves his face further down into dead flesh), but you may help (offers you chance to hold down his face) But…but…Anderson is so…plant-y… (Hums 'Every Rose has its Thorns' to herself) and his accent makes catholic girls SIN (mock gasp)

SunilaMoon: What, were you surprised that it was good? _Thanks_. (sniffle) Now I'm sad…all better! I try to keep Alucard in character – but its usually his playful character I keep him in (hides in corner) I can't help it, I used to be so afraid of Dracula growing up, but I love Alucard when he's all CUDDLY (at least, as cuddly as a deadly Nosferatu with two guns can be). This is taken off after the great Nazi war of London. Think BIG BIG BIG fight where _everyone_ died except Alucard, who went back into his little hibernation thing, was locked in a coffin, and given to whoever Integra gave Hellsing to. OH! Stop failing! Its not so bad…okay, yes it is. Why NOT a Hellsing live action movie? They made one of Death Note (which I swear I'm going to stalk the President until they make it illegal for someone NOT to translate it)

Diclonius' Lilium: Yes! You make me feel even MORE accomplished! Guess what Fae! You're worth SALT! X3 Oh dear sweet Jesus THANK you! I'm still afraid Fae is too mary-sue-ish (actually, it haunts my dreams) But I love her name (she's an evil little Faerie, according to my mythology book). Don't worry, the ending will be horribly tragic, but in no way romance-y. If its anything it's like the Master/Servant bon (like between you and your dog. You wouldn't want to shag it, but you still would kill for it) I've never read any of those endings, though I am reading Death Note, so I can't tell if its up to caliber. Criticism is my friend (hides in corner again) if you find problems, tell me, but I'll have to brace myself.

End Responses

I'm too lazy to list all the other short ones, but I love all of you equally! (hug)

Alucard: I can't breathe…

Kana: DEAL WITH IT!

Twenty reviews last chapter from a maximum of thirteen for the last few!? I feel…so loved (sniffle)

PS: If you don't know who Renfield is, look him up on Wikipedia. But basically, he was a madman in the asylum that Dr. Seward ran. He practically created the term zoophagous because he caught flies, fed them to spiders, and then fed the spiders to sparrows. He asked for a 'sleek, playful little kitten' to probably feed to sparrows to, but Dracula's hold on him strengthened, and he lost interest for a while. He had a bout of guilt near the end and asked Mina to relieve him from Dracula's hold, and in the end led the Count to the Asylum, so that Van Helsing and Friends could foil his evil plot(s). The Count broke his neck after that. But we _all_ know that _isn't_ true, since Bram Stoker **lies** and Dracula is really in London serving a certain tall blond with a really long name.

And after that happy note, REVIEW!


	9. Happiness and Sentimentality

Kana: Whoa, everyone seems to love Renfeild (cuddles him) isn't he _cute_?

Renfeild: (coughs up feathers)

Kana: O.o you ate the neighbors' cuckoo…didn't you?

Renfeild: …Master told me to.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Hellsing OR Dracula…an odd Japanese man and a deceased Irish bloke do. But _dear_ GOD I wish I owned a chibi Maxwell…oh how I would LOVE that chibi Maxwell, in all his depressing cuteness. (swoon)

OOOOO

**Fortune**

**Chapter Nine: Happiness and Sentimentality**

OOOOO

Alucard loaded his gun with another magazine and aimed quickly, making Renfield's head snap back with violent force.

"Why doesn't he _die!?_" I squealed, running as another chair was hurled in my direction.

During a moment of calm from Renfield, Alucard gave me a dramatic shrug accompanied by a wide-eyed clueless look. Then he was back again, trying to embrace Alucard. But doing that was like trying to cuddle with…well, _Dracula_. He would be lucky if he didn't get his face ripped off.

When Alucard turned around, Renfield had vanished – until I felt a hand grab my left ankle and hike me upside-down and into the air. My hair fell to the ground limply as I swung, my head a couple of feet from the floor. I instantly felt all the blood rush to my head, turning my face red; I felt horribly sick. I worked to keep my long skirt from revealing my underwear and used a hand to keep my shirt from showing skin.

"What's this?" Renfield asked, looking at my face with the curious manner of a bird. "Can I eat it?"

_Oh God,_ I tried to keep myself from vomiting upside-down, which would result in stomach acid going to my eyes. _He's like a man-child who thinks his daddy got him a snack. _"Let me go!" I thrashed about like a captured fish.

Alucard hesitated, since shooting Renfield off his feet would make me crash to the floor…on my head. And God knows I may have a thick skull, but it's not _that_ thick. "Put her down…"

"Why?" Renfield sniffed my leg as if it was a piece of shank meat. I glared up, kicking him in the mouth weakly with my other foot. "She's feisty."

"Your mother wears spandex in _hell_!" I screeched, spitting like an angry cat. "Alucard, I order you to make the blood stop building up in my head!"

Tipping his head like a _freaking gentleman_, Alucard stepped forward calmly, using what he figured was a great advantage. "I demand that you release her straight away as slowly and gently as possible -."

"But she is human -."

"_Now_."

"You wavering _bint_!" I cried when my head hit the floor, nearly snapping my neck from the force. "He said _gently!_" I curled in on my self and clutched my head as pain throbbed through it; I felt the blood rush to my other limbs, and my heart beating was loud in my ears. I heard two cries of 'master!' One slightly amused/worried - the other squealing with joy. I'll let you guess which is which.

"Master, are you well?" Alucard picked me up by the back of my shirt ands looked at me.

To me the world was a mass of colors, blobs, and times. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. "Remember the time Harker hit you over the head with a shovel back when you were _really_ old with white hair and a _mustache_? You were all '_agh'_ and he was all '_squeal'_ and then you sent wolves and your polygamist tendencies after him and you didn't like Hosts and you were all '_flee'_ and ate a _boat _named_ Lucy?_"

Alucard looked at me like I had three heads and his old mustache. "Master…I fear for your sanity and overall health…"

"So does my family…" I said, still waiting for the ground to make up its mind on where to stop spinning. "They tried to send me to a counselor but I don't need people telling me what I think – you're already in my head, you tell me."

"Master?" Renfield seemed…_torn_. He was looking from me to Alucard to me again, as if unable to choose. "Master…Master? So many Masters…you look…odd…"

"Oh _damn_," Alucard sighed in defeat. "Must we bring up old memories?"

"Yes…" I was still a little ditzy from having my head meshed with the floor. "Can you tell us Alucard's baby stories? I'd love to know what an infant Nosferatu does -."

"Not _those_ memories, you dolt."

"You're right," I nodded as Alucard glared at me, shaking me a little from his grip on my shirt. "You were probably a little hell-monkey growing up; but tell me this, did you practice saying 'I 'vant to suck your blood'? Or were those your first words?"

"You're bleeding…" Alucard lifted me higher with ease, running his hand along the back of my head. His glove came away stained and damp with blood. He sucked the blood from the cloth eagerly for a moment. "Not to worry though, 'tis but a small wound – no fracturing."

Suddenly, everything just _froze_ with Renfield's next few words.

"Oh _dear_," His eyes went wide as his teeth sharpened considerably, coming over his grinning lips. "She smells _wonderful_."

"Oh smack…" I squeaked as Alucard jumped a full ten feet high – nearly hitting the ceiling of the library and shattering another unsuspecting skylight. Renfield had been the cause of this daring jump as he barreled for the place where we had just been standing, meeting only air. Alucard had to throw me into a bridal position to keep me from falling and becoming a Fae-colored splat on the floor. "I must have missed something when you explained vampires and their childe to me – but doesn't he have to _drink_ _your_ blood to be able to do this?"

"I didn't turn him," Alucard grunted, hopping from shelf to shelf as he tried to get me away from Renfield without actually stepping low enough for the vampire to get to us. "He must have met with another low class _mutt_."

"And he still calls you master _because -?"_

"Because he's a few grapes short of a full cornucopia."

"_Aha_," I winced as another one of his massive jumps made me bite my tongue quite roughly. "He _woves_ his Dracula."

"Oh shut up." Alucard landed on the other side of the library with Renfield not too far behind. "It would be best not to underestimate him – he probably is just older than a century. That isn't something to sneeze at."

Just to show that I did not care either way – I sneezed…_at it_. "Well, unless he's been modified like you, then my plan will work…"

"What plan?" Alucard set me down on the floor next to the library's exit and waited for the last few hysterical stragglers to stumble out before closing the doors – but not before firing inside again blindly (he _still_ hit Renfield). Then he twisted the handle and made it impossible for anything that had never been experimented on to escape.

"I just need a tub of gasoline, my backpack, and the ability to get on the roof." I grinned like someone that was about to have _fun_.

"Oh…you're eviler than I thought…" Alucard patted me on the head approvingly, giving me his psychotic impression of a twisted smirk. It was far from a smile – truth be told, I doubted he could even form his mouth into anything but a smirk, insane grin, or angry scowl.

Behind the door, Renfield yowled in frustration and rattled it, his face showing clearly through the small glass panel at the top when he jumped up. Alucard shot him in the face when he tried to do so again, making him fall back, squealing in happiness again as the window shattered. I believe the term sadist was appropriate for him.

Alucard scowled at this show of power – although Renfield did not care for strength, he was certainly not just a class-D vampire; he was _way _up there, but nothing compared to Alucard, the _Nosferatu_. Damn that's fun to say (say it with me: Nosferatu, Nosferatu, Nosferatu…_NOSFERATU…_there…the urge has passed).

But he was old enough to have tested and practiced his powers…and that meant…

"_Holy shit…_" I looked up just in time to see an angry looking black bird make a dive for my head, only to be blown into a mass of falling feathers by Alucard's gigantic handgun with a loud _bang!_ It gave a loud death squawk and perished. "He has familiars!"

"Most vampires do!" Alucard grabbed me unceremoniously as an entire wave of insects, birds, and massive felines began to come through that small window. He just barely got out of the way for a black jaguar before it snapped its jaws where his left leg had been. "But they just don't have the strength or guts to summon them. Its quite awkward having to see someone whose life you have taken for yourself." He snapped at a mass of flies buzzing near us as he ran, and caught a few. He spat them out quickly.

I frowned as he jumped from a railing and down from the second to the third floor, landing in the main hallway. An ambulance had already pulled up, and as most public schools, our high school practically had its own police department right on the grounds.

"I can run on my own you know," I grumbled when he finally stopped, setting me down. A rush of shadows came from underneath his feet and kept the monstrous familiars at bay by creating a giant dome, separating them from us and the other evacuees.

"Yes, but you cannot run fast enough." Alucard turned towards the familiars. "Shall I go now, to fend him off? Pray, tell me quickly."

"Yes…" I looked as a mass of flies banged against the dome, buzzing angrily. A smallish spider was close to working its way under a crack in the shadows, but Alucard stepped on it harshly. "Use as much power as you see fit to keep him from getting to any other humans."

He grinned one last time and disappeared into the shadows, murmuring something along the lines of _Cromwell's Approval_. Crap…what did I just let him do?

I put on a determined face and was about to begin my decent into hell – or go onto the other side of the protective dome so I could get to my locker, but a shrill cry stopped me. _Ugh, my sister_.

"You can't go out there!" She shrieked, one of the few people still in the building. I knew my father was coming, as he was one of the only people still trained to be a vampire hunter. He didn't carry garlic and silver for just paranoid reasons; he did so because he knew how to _use _them in the most productive way possible.

She was right. If I did I would be bitten and stung and devoured to death by the cats, insects and birds (plus the occasional beaten down human). But that wasn't going to stop me.

Rushing for her, I stole her backpack as a wild frenzy broke out. I unzipped the front pocket, where a plastic bag of holy wafers met me. My father always made us put them in here, and I was glad she hadn't gotten rid of them (and lets just say it, they make good snacks if the occasion arises). "There, _now_ I can go."

Taking a few in my hand, I made for the main hall. As soon as I broke through the dome I was instantly swarmed by dark beasts. But the Hosts repelled them with amazing ferocity as I ran, and soon they did not even have the courage to come within ten feet of me, instead becoming a swarming mass around me.

I reached my locker, but couldn't figure out a way to keep the wafers on me and roll in my code at the same time. So I used an old _Helsing_ trick; crushing two wafers in my palm, I created a circle around my kneeling form with the holy powder. I wasn't religious, but I was grateful for these powerful weapons.

I took out my own book bag and riffled through the papers until I made sure the cigar box inherited from my cousin was there, along with the assortment of silver bullet casings and my tiny flask of quicksilver that was _always_ carried (not because I had the foresight to predict this sort of incident, but because it's _damn_ cool to look at).

After I had struggled the supply door open and gotten a good-sized jug of gasoline (used for something even I didn't want to know about) I rushed back to the main entrance. There was mass chaos, ambulance sirens, and bloody people. Nothing new there. Except for…

A massive black hound was barking at me, very unlike Alucard's wolfish form. It had many eyes doting its body instead of just a few sets, and it wailed like it was wounded, giving me a sort of yowling bay. It made movements to run off, but stopped and started when I didn't follow.

I had the sudden urge to ask it if Timmy was trapped in a well. "_What?_" I had forgotten of the hysteria outside just to pay attention to this giant canine.

It continued to let out a wail-bark, coming for me and tugging at my skirt with its teeth, accidentally tearing the hem but keeping far from the deadly things in my hands. "Alright…alright…did Alucard send you?" I knew this familiar – Baskerville? Ugh, whoever named it obviously needed to stop reading Sherlock Holmes.

The dog yowled again, becoming impatient and barreling at me, turning behind me and nosing its way between my legs until I was on its back, gripping a handful of its fur frantically as it ran outside and into the dim sunlight – straight into the sight of practically the entire town.

"_Alucard!"_ I shrieked, trying to keep a hold on everything as Baskerville bounded _up_ the school's walls to the roof. The entire building practically vibrated with the howling, buzzing and roaring of Renfield's familiars, but the gunshots and vampiric hisses were prominent through all of that. I had to help him. I couldn't just stand by and let myself be protected…

I didn't understand it; how could one creature take so much exertion, so much pain, and so much death and still think its fun? He must have gone insane.

Damn I'm foolish.

"Stop! Stop! _STOP!_" I smacked Baskerville and it halted right before the broken library skylight. I let the breath I'd been holding out at last and tumbled off the dog, collapsing onto the roof weakly, trying to regain my composure. Then I crawled on hands and knees to the shattered window on the roof, and looked down.

Alucard hadn't summoned his familiars, but he was holding his own none-the-less. This fact proved that he was stronger than Renfield, since the latter was a little freaked out at the Nosferatu's current form of a giant mass of black…stuff, complete with hellhounds with guns firing from their mouths. And people say poetry is dead…then they haven't met the vampiric equivalent of Picasso.

What was left of Alucard's head was staring up unnaturally as it lay on the floor. He saw me and his expression barely twitched, but he got the gist of my plan when I began pouring gasoline into the library from the skylight, puddling it at first before spreading it out more erratically. All at once he…_gathered_ himself, but continued to shoot as Renfield caught my scent mingling with that of the gasoline.

When Renfield got too close to me I flung a bullet casing at him, making him wheel back onto the floor when the silver hit him, then poured the quicksilver onto his face, blinding him as his eyes seared. His unholy shrieking rang in my ears. When all was clear I dropped the small, empty bottle of holy mercury into the puddle of gasoline I had made twelve feet below. Then I opened the cigar box and took out the elderly lighter.

"Alucard," I whispered, flicking the lighter open and igniting it. "Run."

As if hearing me, Alucard burst through the skylight closest to the one I was 'working' at, shooting to keep both Renfield and his familiars at bay. Once he was out of the school I dropped the lighter and watched it fall into the pool of gasoline.

I'd once read somewhere that the only way to completely destroy a colony of flies in one's home was to set the house on fire. That is what I did, reliving the earlier incident as pitiful screams of _master_ and begs for mercy floated up from the roaring flames that blossomed from the gasoline, hissing and popping as leftover mercury boiled in the heat.

"I know you could have killed him on your own," I said weakly, watching another building burn slowly for the second time in a very short time span. "But I…I wanted to help."

"Of course," Alucard saw the wafers still being clutched in my fists. "_Ack!"_ He flew back, stumbled over a protruding air vent, and fell on his behind.

"Oh…" For a moment I considered chasing him around the rooftop with the Hosts, but thought against it. "Sorry," I flung what was left of the wafers into the fire, and let him loop his hands under my arms and lift me from the roof –

Right into the hysterical hands of my father.

"Dad! _Mmmph!_" I struggled weakly as my father ripped me from Alucard's grip and into his stronger one. I flailed about, trying to wriggle my way out.

"Are you _mad!?_" My father cried hoarsely, using one arm to flash his silver cross at Alucard, who was just watching it with a very small amount of mirth, as if this was all a big game to him. "It was just trying to destroy you!"

_Destroy?_ I gagged again as his arm hook around me in a tighter grip. Alucard had been holding me in the gentlest way possible – if he had been any more conscientious about my safety he would have had to put me in a stroller. "_Dad!_ Stop!" I whined, my voice cracking halfway through.

"Sir," Alucard stepped forward, his eyes flickering slightly when Dad waved the cross at him like it was a sword. "I must ask you to put my Master down. She is obviously uncomfortable with this arrangement." He followed the cross's movements lazily, much like a cat watching a butterfly move across a window pane.

"M – Master?'" My dad _never_ squeaked, but today was a day of change. He let me go as if I was carrying the Plague and took a step back as Alucard came over, inspecting me.

"Are you well?" Alucard looked me over, using his thumb to check under the soot on my cheeks to see if I had any cuts. He flipped me over, holding me by my ankle like Renfield had and searching my legs.

"Alright, now you're just being a jackass." I grumbled, looking up and seeing him smirking like the insane bloodsucking pimp he was. He righted me and set me on the ground, seeming proud of himself.

Suddenly, he let out a short, bloodcurdling shriek that made everyone in the vicinity have chills. He slapped a hand to a growing wheal on the back of his neck and turned around, letting both of us see my father with his – now empty – flask of holy water. _Did he have a priest in his pockets too?! Let's just pull out a ten foot cross from his ass and get it over with._

"Dad!" I had to catch Alucard as one of his few weaknesses made him swoon. I soon found out that he weighed a freaking _ton_. "_Oh Jesus…holy shit…_" My legs bent under his weight as he groaned, forcing me to use biblical names in vain (not like I cared; I swore on an hourly basis). It was like he was made of stone…yes, he was a five hundred year old _boulder_! No wonder he slept all the time – he was a _rock_!

"He's fogged your mind, Fae!" My father exclaimed, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Didn't I teach you that a vampire's most useful weapon was that of hypnosis?"

"I thought you said it was their strength, which was after you proclaimed that it was their ability to see in the dark." I knelt on the ground, trying to see where the holy water had hit Alucard. It was quite plain by the bloody, burnt skin on across the right side of his neck and splattered on his shoulder. Like water. "How could you…" I'd always known my father for being overzealous about vampires, but he was _insane_. Perhaps the very prospect of defeating one made him too hasty.

"_Ger'off_!" Alucard grumbled, shoving me slightly and turning his head to lick the shiny, bloody flesh. The skin under his tongue's wake healed slowly but surely.

"Are you in pain, vampire?" my father hissed, reminding me _way_ too much of Van Helsing. "I hope you are – for everything your kind has done to me! I hope you're in agony!"

Well _shit_. My dad has vampire issues; not like we didn't already know that, eh? Did I mention he was put in an insane asylum after watching people kill his parents? _Yeah_…not a real ice breaker with my family, talking of bad childhood memories. He just never said it was _vampires_ that killed them though.

"How weak can someone get," Alucard fumed, his 'righteous and just' king personality coming through. He was like a darker version of a veteran grandfather. "Blaming all their troubles on an individual minority? I have done nothing to you or your extended family, and yet you claim to loathe me with enough passion to distress your daughter; my Master."

My father clenched his jaw with enough force to make molars crack. He was holding his usual cross along with…no…he brought his _bag_ of _tricks_. In that _bag_ of _tricks_ he kept everything he owned related to vampire hunting – which was probably where he pulled the holy water from – including the stake.

It happened really fast, so fast that I still doubt that even Alucard could have planned my father's next move.

All I saw was his knuckles turn a deathly white as he pulled out that damn stake; and Alucard couldn't do anything about it as he began to thrust it forward – the seals didn't allow him to harm any other Hellsing, and he had to comply to every 'friendly' human's demands. If my father wished to stake him, then he was forced to let him.

"_Stop!"_

But the stake never hit Alucard. If it did, it would have struck him just below his dead heart, weakening him effectively and allowing my father to cut off his head, and then burn the remains; and I would have cried and screamed and protested until my vocal cords went raw. I would never know if he would be able to survive such torment, and now that I look back, I realize that my impulsive action had been stupid, foolish…a horrible mistake.

The stake hit me instead when I covered him, and since I was shorter Alucard, it popped my heart instantly – I never stood a chance. All I could think of was the way Dracula had died; floating aimlessly in his coffin, knowing death was near and knowing he couldn't escape it even if he had made it to his castle. No one had been able to protect him then, not wolves, not the massive blizzard, not even the gypsies he hired. _Who would protect him? Humans were so much more powerful than vampires, even one as god-like as Alucard – they could go into the sun without feeling like they were within an inch of their life. _

In the millisecond I had to live, the remaining vampire blood in my veins burst into action, allowing me another moment's thought; which I used to set him free by mentally ordering him to remove his gloves, which I figured were the nubs of the seals. And I felt a rush of emotions too strong and too numerous to be mine: _hatred, fear, numbness, and betrayal_. _I heard the sound of metal on metal, and the feel of cold iron and filth. _It took me too long to realize I was feeling his death as well as mine. His actual death.

I died soon after with my eyes open. Alucard closed them with gloveless hands and disappeared. He didn't return to America again for two centuries.

OOOOO

My funeral was held on January 25th, exactly one month after I found Alucard. My father did not attend – he was ashamed of me and himself, for he had lost everything because of vampires. I learned that his parents and youngest brother were killed before him at a young age by a pair of rogue vampires, and after that was sent to an insane asylum after he refused to stop drawing pictures of bloody crosses and babbling on about demons. He hung himself soon after.

My mother, sister, grandmother, and other family members came though, and they all shared stories of how I died. My grandmother was the only one to believe how I _actually _died, and not how people _wanted_ to think (I did _not_ get stabbed, I was _staked_). My tombstone was shaped in the traditional wedge, but it did not have anything like 'loving daughter, sister' _blah, blah, __**blah**_. Instead my mother had it customized with a mosaic that portrayed a young girl with her arms outstretched, with a shadowy figure of a tall, slim man behind her, his hair long and black. It was the highlight of the cemetery – ironically.

Alucard vanished from the radar, though he was seen at my burial as only a quiet black stray in the background, which bayed only once while the coffin was being lowered. During the many…_many_ years after his release, rumors of a vengeful spirit floated from country to country. A spirit that would visit a large town nightly and drain the blood of at least five grown humans – never a child, never an infant, always a human man. And on the first new moon of each year an entire cluster of people would be wiped out completely in the spirits mad rage. Every once in a while a townhouse was rented for the winter by an unknown nobleman, and any city nearby would suddenly have an increase in murderous attacks for the next few months until the man moved on, content. Germany and Rome were affected the most, while France, England, and various parts of southern Romania were left alone. It was prone to lingering near old ruins of a destroyed manor in Britain, in which it made its home.

The spirit was called _nu viaţă rege, ne způsob života král, __König der Untoten_ and_ vietata_ _a vita re_…

All in all, _No-Life King_ in almost every possible language.

Inconspicuous, isn't he?

OOOOO

_**Fin**_

OOOOO

Kana: (shrug) I told you it would be tragic, now don't you feel bad about not listening to me? Edit: A big thank you to Lilith for the new German translation! (my translator BLOWS)

Anyone who can guess why the 'vengeful spirit' attacked some countries and avoided others gets a cookie and a hug.

Review Responses:

Lunatic Pandora1: Ah yes, ghouls are very much like stone teenagers, aren't they? Especially ALUCARD'S ghouls (though I had to go completely against my better judgment for the sake of the plot, since I believe that Alucard can no longer make ghouls…O.o)

KeidaHattori: 'Twas a skylight that broke when Renfield went all Green Goblin on their asses. And yes, he really did collect flies by using sugar cubes meant for his tea to attract them. Oh but we love him anyway!

SunilaMoon: Yes, I know about the Jackal's demise (DAMN the Nazi's! Damn Walter! Damn him and his smexyness! Damn Schro! Damn them ALL!) It's manga based, since I dislike the 13 episode anime (the OVA is MUCH better…since Freeman will one day rule the world with his ability to subdue a hoard of Alucard fan girls with just his voice)…SEX BEAM!

KageAmaya491: (is quiet because she doesn't want to ruin Dracula) Its…so…damn…GOOD (though it makes me cry like a big baby at the end – why Dracula! Why! (breaks down)) I was always afraid that if they did give him a kitten…he would…eat it….

OF COURSE its full of lies! Because Hellsing is so much more accurate (since Van Helsing never staked Dracula, Harker did…with a knife)) Why is everyone shunning Dracula in Hellsing fics? I'm addicted to writing big descriptions of Alucard as Dracula, including his…mustache (snicker…giggle…hysterical laughter) I can't help it! The mustache is worse than Girlycard!

Master of the Boot: (bows) thank you, thank you (I told you I would try to take a cliché plot and make it original). Fae was in a bathtub? No honey, she was on her bed, and Alucard used her as his own personal teddy bear (not really, but that would make good fan art only with Integra, no? (Goes off to find such fan art))…Alucard is what Tim Burton sees on acid trips? Well now I'm never going to be satisfied until I see a _Sweeny Todd _movie, only with Alucard as Todd. He's only better than Johnny Depp by a very, very, very, _**VERY**_, small amount, and I suspect he would enjoy eating the meat pies.

VampireEgyptian: With friends like this how can I trust the word 'hunt'? One of my friends can legally hunt, so I'm a bit skittish. (I wanna kitten! I've been trying to get one for AGES – and when I do, I'm debating on naming it 'Lestat', 'Marius', or 'Schrödinger') Hmm…who WOULD play Alucard? (I asked my friends this and someone said Tom Cruise, and then I died a horrible death full of pain and misery). Well then, LUV (buys a flight to Canada)

I send super love to everyone who reviewed who I can't reply to without feeling repetitive. SUPER LOVE (Spread love, not flames!)

End Responses

Kana: I feel very accomplished with the end of this story (and right before mid-years too! I'm so lucky) And now I must tend to some very neglected Yugioh plot bunnies.


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